Prone to Lies?

So just a quick recap of last night
I ended up telling my parents i was spending the night at my friends house and i spent the night with the lovely hurt at his brothers house. it was really nice tho i decided i hate sharing a bed even if it is with him. the night didn't really feel that special it just felt nice...and normal as if we spend the night together all the time

I decided that this ed makes me prone to lying. I've become so use to having a hidden agenda when it comes to food that lying about other agendas is almost as easy. Like lying about my where abouts last night doesn't even make me feel guilty, lying about drinking and things i do with boys doesn't either. Is it just because I'm a bad daughter? I don't feel like it is...i honestly think that because i've grown up lying about what i'm eating or why i'm working out so much etc etc i've learned to just tell everyone what they want to hear so i can just live my life the way i want to.

Ask Me No Questions I'll Tell You No Lies
Never Trust Me To Tell You
What I See Through These Eyes

survey (im bored) fill ur own out in my comment box if you want

Size: 3 (US)
Age: Teens
Highest Weight: 110lbs
Lowest Weight: 89lbs
Goal Weight: 95lbs

Favorite Diet Food?
diet pills and Water

Favorite Binge Food?
Pizza, Ice Cream and Crackers

Favorite Exercise?
Running, Abs and Yoga

Thinspo?
Anything graceful

What Makes You Slip Up?
Lack of Motivation or When I'm depressed about something.

What Makes You Strong?
Friends. Also when I want to impress someone i usually make myself become strong.

When Did It Start?
Sixth grade, but more intensely sept 2010

Does Anyone Know?
Most friends no i have weird eating habits, some no more than others, but no one except those on here no the true extent

Do You Want Help?
sometimes i do just because i want this all to be over, but then i realize that without this i'm not me. it's part of who i am. if i lose this choice, i lose part of me

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
changes all the time

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
short.fat.fat.fat.rolls and rolls

Are You In A Relationship?
No. But sometimes i feel like i am. I wish i was.

Is It For Attention?
The basis of it isn't the intensity of it is not. But sometimes i'll mention the surface of it to certain friends to see how much they are willing to understand me

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
because i'm short number wise im one of the thinnest but i don't look like the thinnest because i'm short

Are You Depressed?
i havent been diagnosed, but sometimes i wonder if i am these days...but i think its just situational

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
Never. I hate finality.

Ever Been To A Psychologist?
No.

Are You On Any Medication?
Acne Meds ha...

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan

PEOPLE -
[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have tried to stop me

I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[x] I had a boy/girlfriend
[ ] I could disappear

I LOVE -
[ ] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

I HATE -
[ ] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[x] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[ ] fat people

I NEED -
[x] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[ ] more friends
[x] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[ ] a gym membership
[x] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[x] to lose 10lbs

whats wrong with me???

i was doing so good!! i even fit into my grade school jeans on sunday! yet for the past two days ive failed miserably =( i've eaten so much junk food, and even tho i stopped mid binge last night i still did pretty bad throughout the day and today was no better.
tomorrow is my night with the lovely hurt and i really wanted to be thin for that, i was actually getting happy with my body on sunday but now im all gross again and really mad about it.

2m i will be getting up, dressing cute, taking all my pills getting a skinny vin latte with a friend, helping her with her art project, going to the gym, coming home showering, packing and then going to meet up with the lovely hurt....i really hope this all works out. weirdly im not too nervous, like even if i get caught i don't care about getting in trouble....

south Carolina goes home tomorrow, i'm relieved...
i had friends over tonight. even tho i felt like a fat ass i felt loved. i adore my friends and how close we all are. even tho i just recently started getting close with some of them its like we've hung out forever.
my sister hung out with us, she says she doesn't know what she's going to do when we all go to college next year. I feel so bad about leaving her behind.

so i have yet another party to add on to my list of stops on new years eve. i love being invited to all these places and yet its getting a little ridiculous. i wish all my friends could just all go to one big party together so i didnt have to spread my time like this...but i guess its what i get for wanting friends in different groups...oh well...

I WILL EAT NOTHING EXCEPT THE SKINNY VIN LATTE ALL DAY

What i do when im bored

song lyrics


ranting about my love life



notebook they are in

just want to say thank you

i just wanted to post this before heading out for the day.

last night i was in the middle of the binge when suddenly i stopped and thought to myself...do i really wanna post about my binge? i was doing so well and the other bloggers were so supportive too is this food really worth it? of course not, id rather post about how i stopped mid binge and how they helped.
so thats exactly what i did...i put away the food and filed my nails instead

so thank you =)
because of your spiritual presence in my head i was able to shorten my binge last night
i adore you all so much <3
stay strong, because you keep me strong =)

maybe i'm just tired?

well im off the high from South Carolina. I think the worst feeling is when you realize that you don't like someone as much as you thought you did. I hate this. Today we went ice skating (me, sara, sc, sc's sister and the guy sara likes) this should have been a blast...but sadly i was having more fun with the guy sara likes and kept having to make myself stop talking to him and go find sc, because i felt bad spending time with sara's guy when she should be flirting it up with him.
it was really hard to talk to sc today and i really just didn't have the energy to fake it and yet i could so easily hold a conversation with sara's guy. =/
obviously i'm not going to start going after him or anything.

i hate the fact that the only person i've consistently liked is the lovely hurt. what is it about him that draws me to him? he's not my type AT ALL and yet every moment i spend with him is bliss...i want more than what he offers and yet i want him...
i know i'll crash after break, right now his college friends are back at home leaving him little to do..so he pays more attention to me, i'm trying to keep myself busy so i dont get use to it only to have him hurt me again when his friends all come back

i'm sorry so many of my posts are about boy issues, for some reason my moods are highly affected by my relationships with boys...its terrible...

in other news i got a really cute dress today to add tot he options for new years, except i was too lazy to try it on...i thought it was fit because its the size i wear at every other store...but not its too small =( so i have to exchange it 2m...this is so sucky

i realized today i can't remember the last time i was truly happy for long periods of time...and that scares me...it really really scares me

ouch =( help please???

so this morning i woke up with a killer stomachache. the kind that makes you so antsy that you'll do anything to make it stop. not hunger pains because those i can handle but something else, like your stomach is caving in. I've had it happen before when i haven't eaten lot the day before (yesterday my consumption consisted of a cookie, and two pieces of geotta). Is there a way to avoid that from happening? this morning I drank some water and later Gatorade but it didn't help much so i tried some a shaving of ice cream but it was too gross and just didn't sound good because i wasn't hungry. eventually about an hour or so later when i couldnt take feeling this way anymore i chugged some diet coke (weird because i usually stay totally away from soda) and it helped a little and then i ate a blueberry eggo waffle and now i feel totally fine.

but i cant have this happening every time i barely eat the day before, i'll never lose the weight i want if that happens, plus i just hate feeling that way. is there one thing i could eat the next day to make me feel better? something not as sugary as soda? or as bad for me as an eggo waffle?

any idea as to what causing the pain, obviously hunger...but its not hunger pains...

smile

I'm decently proud of myself, I haven't binged too much over the holidays =) I'm down four pounds since break started ( i think... i cant remember if i was 103 or 106 when break started either way im 102.6 now) and hopefully it only gets easier from here. My diet pills make me a little jittery but i like that because all the moving burns calories plus it makes me hyper which is always fun. Also they are awesome because they make me not hungry =). The only down side is they are about ten bucks and only last maybe two weeks also they keep me awake at night, which will be bad for school. I think i might get some more but take less. It says to take two in the morning and one in the afternoon, so i think i'll just skip the afternoon one. That way they wont keep me up all night and they will last longer =)

in other news South Carolina (which is how i am going to refer to saras cousin) and i have been texting, hes for sure staying until wednesday but he might try to convince his parents to stay thru new years or let him fly back later...does this mean he wants to stay longer because of me?? idk...i didn't ask lol but i like to think thats why he wants to stay. =)

my bff is getting sorta mad at me about our whole new years plans...
originally i was just going to this party our (mainly her) friend was throwing, we were going to hang earlier and pregame and then her bf was going to be a dd, but sara found out there will be drinking and shes against it so shes going to have a smaller gathering for all those who dont feel comfortable going to the drinking one. i want to see both sets of friends, so i told my bff that id still come to her house and hang before hand but wasnt going to drink because i had to make an appearance at my parents party then id drop her and her bf off at the big party then go to saras for a little bit and then go to the bigger party drink there and her bf can drive my car back to her house. she says that sounds complicated, but its really not. i think shes just mad that i feel the need to go to saras party. i will admit im becoming closer to sara which probably threatens my bff but i don't think that its that big of deal. she has other friends that im not as close with, its just how we are. i really enjoy hanging with sara because she more fun and not as pessimistic, but i adore my bff because she nos how fucked up i am and puts up with me anyways =) hahaha i screw up but she doesnt judge me i love it. sometimes im scared that if sara new all about me that she'd stop hanging around me...but i think im going to lay it all out there for in the retreat letter im writting for her next month.

well thats all for now
have a good all
smile

Monster In Me: Part Nine

* Went to the mall with Ana. Same old same old. We hit up all the best stores. Going from rack to rack, everything looks amazing…on the models. Sigh. During our expedition I held up pieces for consideration. Ana replied with ‘your thighs’, ‘that won’t hide a muffin top’ or merely a sound of disgust because we both know there was no way any of these clothes would fit. We walked around for about 3 hours, I followed Ana up and down all the stairs. Famished I made my way to the food court. ‘ You can’t be serious’ Anna gagged when I purchased a diet coke, ‘some diet’. I wanted to ignore her but the guilt made my head hurt so I threw it away and we went home. Ana didn’t say a word the entire way back, there’s a lot of tension between her and my mom.
Mom kept giving me looks today. She and Dad kept whispering. I hate their critical eye. I know I’m fat! I know I need to lose weight! Can’t they realize I’m working on it? I’ll be their perfect little angel in no time if they just leave me alone.


* Because of Ana’s and my fall out yesterday I decide to hang out with Mia instead. She’s not as bitchy as Ana. Don’t get me wrong, I love Ana, and I know she’s only trying to help me reach my goal, but sometimes I’d rather forget that I’m suppose to be fasting or restricting.
Mia and I made cookies…well okay we made a cookie, we ate all the cookie dough. It was so good, the sweet buttery taste and the smooth feeling on my tongue. Later we watched a movie and tried to calculate everyone’s stats and BMIs. It was fabulous until I started remembering all the crap we had eaten. So I went to the bathroom and puked up all the grossness. I hate throwing up, but Mia came in and rubbed my back. ‘It’s alright ,deary’ she said ‘it’s worth it’ and I knew she was right.


*Mom came in today and freaked out on me. She started asking me about my weight. I couldn’t believe it. The doctor told her that the best way for me to become healthy would be to let me realize it for myself. And I have realized it! And I am working on it! She found my fat jeans on the floor and threw them at me, telling me how scary I’m becoming. It was almost impossible not to laugh. I’m the scary one? She was the one screaming.


*I’m so bored. I want to hang out with someone today, but I don’t know who. None of the kids from school like Mia and Ana. But Mia and Ana can’t hang out together because all they do is argue with each other. It’s like the only thing they can agree on is that I need to lose some weight, but everyone agrees on that so I hardly think that counts. I really wish I could call Patrick, I miss him so much. Sigh. I know it’s hopeless. Ugh. I can still remember the day he dumped me. It was right after Ana and I started hanging out. ‘Stop being like this, I love you, but I hate what you’ve become’ I think he got that from a movie. Ha. He was never very creative. Damn, I miss him. Ana says he’ll come back… ‘when you’re good enough.’ It keeps me motivated.


*Ana and I wrote out a new diet plan. Seven day fast. Water and an apple slice with cinnamon only for this week. I want it to work so bad.


*Felt dizzy all day. Thank goodness Ana’s been around, she’s the only thing that keeps me going. Every time I think about eating…which is all day…every god damn second…she reminds me about how huge my thighs are, how much I want Patrick back.
‘Just think how happy you’ll be when you reach your goal weight.’
Happy… I don’t even remember what that feels like.


*Life – I don’t want to talk about it…plus I’m too tired to.

*Day 3… I’ve lost 4 pounds! Ana and I celebrated today. 4 pounds closer to my goal. 4 pounds closer to perfection. 4 pounds closer to not being fat, gross and ugly. Shit…I’ve only lost 4 pounds…


*Why can’t my mom just leave me alone! ‘She’s just jealous that you’re starting to lose weight and she’s stuck with 45 year old lard’- Ana. I know she’s right but it still hurts. I just want my mom to be happy for me, to be proud for me. She acts like what I’m doing is bad, but I’m doing what she told me to.

*I love how light I feel, as if I’m slowly disappearing, pound by pound, cell by cell until one day I’m thin and happy. Sometimes I hate it though. It scares me, as if one day I’ll go to pick up my pencil only to discover my fingers fall right through it as if they are transparent. I’m scared one day I’ll wake up and be a ghost. I’m scared even then I still won’t be happy.

*God I’m so hungry.


*Down 7, the hunger’s worth it.


* XX


*I’m writing this on a scrap but I’ll put it in later. I hate my mom. I hate my dad. I hate Patrick. I hate the doctors. I hate the nurses. I hate the hospital. I hate these IVs. I hate my fat. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate that I hate myself. Where are Ana and Mia? They haven’t visited me since I collapsed at school. Ana was there one minute on the stairs telling me to go faster cause it will burn more calories. The next thing I knew I was here with this stupid IV stuck in me, feeding me. Feeding me damnit! I was doing good…so good…and now they are going to make me fat again! Why are they doing this to me? I can see myself growing and growing. I feel as if the fat will burst out of my skin! Ana? Mia? Where are you? I need you back, I need to feel calm and okay again. My hands are shaking, My breathing is short. What’s happening to me???????? HELP!!!!!!!!


*I called out for Ana today. I was tired and a bit delusional from the stress of knowing they were making me fat and there was nothing I could do about it. Mom crinkled her head and asked who? I repeated, ‘Ana.’ Mom left a moment and came back with tears (what else is new). ‘Honey, Ana…she’s- she’s not real…’ I’m not sure what I did next. The nurses say I started screaming and having a panic attack shaking and trying to pull off the IVs. Supposedly I almost threw myself into a heart attack. I started asking the nurses about Mia and they gave me the same lie as my mom. I guess they think it’s Ana and Mia that made me like this and by keeping me away from them I’ll be more submissive, but Ana and Mia didn’t make me like this. Everyone else did. Ana and Mia were the ones trying to help me, the only ones trying to help me. I know my mom and the nurses are lying, cause during my freak out they said I just suddenly calmed down completely. I remember why. During my attack I looked at the doorway, Ana and Mia were standing there, ‘Don’t worry, deary, stay strong, don’t let them override you, you are in control. One day you will be thin enough, you will be perfect enough and you will finally be happy again. Everything will be alright.’ And I know they are right.

Tra La La

Haha i'm just gunna put it all out there....ya i'm sorta an idoit...i just agreed to spend the night with the lovely hurt at his brothers house sometime during break. this will involve lying to everyone except him about my where abouts. we aren't doing this so we can have sex or anything like that, we're able to get away with that easily if we really want to...which we dont at this point lol. We really just want to fall asleep in each others arms and have the other as the first thing we see in the morning. we've been talking about that for awhile now and i think we are finally going to do it.

in other news i ate pretty shitty today, but it was still less than what i use to normally eat so i'm not totally hating myself right now.

the guy from south carolina responded to my facebook friend request, which is impressive since he never gets on facebook , his profile is practically nonexistent. which is annoying cause now i cant creep on him

tra la la im feeling good right now which is horrible because im going to go eat now...probably junk food lol but i don't care =) life is feeling alright and a little shit on xmas isn't going to kill me =)

less than three, less than three, less than three

So i met sara's cousin....we hit it off like crazy. he's funny and thinks i'm funny. he smiled sweetly at me and told me i was something else. we've known each other for maybe five hours and already have inside jokes. he told me i was dainty. and he smiles when i talk and says i use big words and seem so proper. his eyes were dilated when we were talking one on one even tho we were in a bright room (sign of attraction) hes a year older and has hair i wanna run my fingers through. seems so perfect. i think he could honestly make me forget about the lovely hurt. seems so perfect...right? right.

oh did i mention he lives in South Carolina and is just in for the holidays?
yeah. crash. and. burn.

Just so i post something every day...

well i already binged today but oh well i gotta just keep on keepin on

i worked out early this morning it was pretty pathetic, i was so hungry and had no energy so i just ran for 15 min and then went to weigh myself i lost three freaking pound boo yah! ha i don't think thats how you spell it but whatever i think who ever is reading this will get the point =)

after that i came home grabbed the fastest shower of my lifetime and then went to get my hair cut, it pretty much looks the same haha just a couple more layers. my sister thought about getting bangs but chickened out...one day i will hold her down and make her do something different with her hair. i think she could really pull off the fring look because shes so adorably artsy and amazing at guitar and singing. i'm super jealous because i want to look more artsy but it would make me FAKE ha because i'm not too artsy anymore. i write, but i lost my singing voice after i switched from acting to sports, you might be saying "girl you can't just lose your singing voice" but oh yes you can my friends, yes you can...just like your feet can shrink! yes i swear my feet when from a 7 to a 6!!

after the hair cut i came home and ate a bowl of honey nut chex, a buckeye, a turtle cookie thingy and some ice cream along with all those pills of mine ha ha
i just wont eat much for lunch ( i have to eat something with the diet pill) and i wont be home for dinner so hopefully it will even out plus i'm going to the festival of lights with 'the gang' (ha for some reason my friends have a habit of referring to our group like that it makes me feel like im scooby doo...whatever as long as i get to be daphine ;) ) this will involve freezing my ass off and alot of walking sooo i guess thats good

IN OTHER FABULOUS NEWS:
I GOT A 91 ON MY PRECAL EXAM!!!!! super super super excited because i was doing pretty shitty in that class, this is my highest test grade this quarter. i ace the homework but always get low eighties on the quizes and test.

well i must go to the bank so i will catch ya all later
stay strong my friends
<3

and just for your reading pleasure a qoute left on my fb wall from the one and only lovely hurt:

“Eventually I discovered for myself the utterly simple prescription for creativity: Be intensely yourself. Don’t try to be outstanding; don’t try to be a success; don’t try to do pictures for others to look at – just please yourself.” ~Ralph Steiner

What I really did today

eats
honey nut cheerios
all those pills named in my earlier post
coffee
another diet pill
noodles
peas

burnage
running
abs
messing around with the lh
shopping


so after working out i went to the lovely hurt's house to watch Easy A, that movie is hilarious i loved it. here is how the day went with him...
i get there and right after i come in and we go to his family room where he kisses me. i sat down on the opposite side of the couch but he told me i could sit by him if i wanted and eventually i ended up cuddled up on his lap. He's 6'2 and i'm 4'10 so i love curling up on him. we kissed here and there but nothing intense. eventually he made us noodles cause he promised to make me food if i came over since he loves to cook. normally i refuse to eat but with everything that's been going on between us i felt like i should act totally cool about food, i just made sure to only eat a little. after the movie end we just sat on his couch and talked, it was nice. eventually we went up to his room and hung out in there messing around on his lap top and just laying in his bed talking. eventually we started messing around but after that we turned the lights off and just layed in his bed with his arms around me. in the mist of the silence he randomly says, "i'm really sorry i've hurt you. i never wanted to hurt you. and i know you've probably cried because of me and i am so sorry." which started a whole conversation about us and things being different and screwed up. he told me all about how he loved everything about me. i apologized for being stubborn and refusing to let him go and i asked him if he wanted me to just let him go because for his sake i will let him go if he wants me too. he said no, and that he could get over me if he had to, he had enough distractions with school and all the new people, he said he realized that just made everything he said about loving me sound like shit but that it was true. eventually we went back downstairs and i got ready to leave. when we were hugging goodbye he whispered in my ear that he missed me. i said 'im right here' and he said 'i know but its not the same' and i nodded and we hugged again and i said 'i miss us' he gave me this mixed look of sadness and something else...but anyways i left and went home

after his house i ate some peas for dinner and then went shopping with my sister and her friend, afterwards we hit up starbucks and i chilled out there and wrote and read. i was suppose to hang out with adam but he cant drive and i didn't feel like picking him up ha oh well i liked having the time to myself.

2m im going to the festival of lights with some friends. saras 19 year old cousin is coming =) im very excited

Today's Plan

I woke up this morning and decided i really want to get my grandma something for xmas. in the years past the kids haven't done that but this year because i actually have the money i'd really like to be able to get her something. does anyone have any idea? she really likes to read so i might just get her some books but i'd really like to get her something a bit more personal.

in other news here is todays plan

• gym w/ the brother and abbee
• watch easy A at the lovely hurt's
• stop in and see my grandma
• write/read at starbucks
• meet up with adam (an ex of mine)
• christmas shop or wrap presents

should be a good time. i decided if i try to fill my days up i'll be less likely to eat. So far today i've had

• a bowl of honey nut cheerios,
• a vit,
• acne med,
• 2 fish oil pills,
• 2 diet pills
• water

and i'll eventually have a cup of coffee with my mom

i love being 18 =) my parents are really into not telling me what i can and cant do anymore. they tell me if they disagree with my choice but wont tell me i can't do it because i'm legally an adult. like normally we have a huge fight and Spanish Inquisition about me going to lh's house but today she was like i guess i can't ask you if his parents will be home because you're eighteen and can't actually tell you youre not allowed to go.
I think this will be really great for our relationship because there will be less petty fights =)

End of the day

So i'm bored and just trying to distract myself from eating some of the delicious items my mom brought home today. Apparently it's like a law or something to give your teacher tons of cookies and chocolate so now my house is filled with all sorts of 'goodies'.

Eats
two waffles: 190
salad (lettuce) with cheese:100??
yogurt:80
buckeye:100??
turtle:100??
two pieces of pizza:300???
salad (lettuce):0?
total:870??

Burned
running:550
walking around shopping:500?
total:1050??

not too shabby, plus i took a diet pill today...sadly i don't think they will make me lose weight super fast, but it does sort of curb my appetite a little

YAY!

EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!

exams are over and xmas break has officially started =)
I'm about to get to ready to work out
I'm gunna stop at the store and get these diet pills i saw
then head to the gym
after that im showering and looking cute then heading to guitar center to look for my dads present and go man hunting with sara
later tonight jenns coming over for some chill time
=)

im soooo happy to be able to start having a life again =)

I'm scared you won't help me...

It's funny how i'm so okay with having these long deep talks with my mom about the hurt in this world and how some of my friends have emotional problems, and yet i could never tell her about my own.
I'm too scared. She'd be so embarassed. Because my family is pretty well known in out community she's very worried about how people precive her and her family. It's not like we have to be perfect, but she's a teacher so she has to be well respected and such. It's one of the reasons i wanna be thin. I wanna look perfect and be that perfect sweet, pretty and smart daughter of the catholic elementary teacher in a small urbanized area of Kentucky.
Maybe I'm more scared that she'd brush it off, she has a habit of liking to believe what she wants. It's not that she doesn't love us she just likes to pretend that we are as perfect as we come off. I think she knows I've had sex and gone far with the lovely hurt, but she'd never pry about it because she's too scared of the answers. My parents are smart, they know what i get into, i'm positive they do, but they just don't want to have to admit it to themselves. Which i love because it's easy to get away with things and lie to myself and them.
But sometimes i wish they would just see it. They would realize i'm fucked up. And they would force me to get help. Sometimes I'm so sick of feeling this way. But i realize if i ever actually told someone that didn't really "get it" that they would try to force me to change and then I'll lose the little bit of control i have.
I wrote a poem once and the lines at the end summed it up
"I'm scared you won't see it, won't help me
But even more than that, I'm scared you will"

Guess Who Got Hurt Again....

=( one day i'm going to have to start listening to sara....
i'm trying to study for exams but all i wanna do is cry
if he didn't think we should hang out then why didn't he say that when i suggested it instead of letting me live this lie that we were going to hang out once a month to keep our friendship alive
even more than that why did he have to tell me right before exams...couldn't he wait till after
i get that he doesn't want to put himself in a situation where he'll wanna hook up with me but can't he just suck it up and stop being a horny guy long enough so we can attempt friendship?? it's not fair that all these other girls get to be friends with im and i don't.
i'm tired of feeling like this

Something Quick

Well today is mass studying for exams, i have my three hardest 2m (AP euro, Physiology and Anatomy, Honors Music Theory) and I haven't even looked at any of it. Blah!

So heres a quick post about food...let's see i ate a half of some danish thing and drank two cups of coffee then i went for a run and burned 560 calories i'll probably eat a yogurt after posting and before studying...that's about 80 calories and then I'll eat some of whatever we are having for dinner. If I keep that up it'll be a good day =).

I'm not loosing much weight, only .5 of pound since earlier this week but i'm not too mad because I"m actually seeing a difference in my legs =) woot! and i've heard if you loose weight slowly but consistantly you are more likely to keep it off =)

I'm super happy right now!! haha it's probably cause i'm wired from the coffee =)

Love you all <3 Hope you are having a great Christmas season!! Stay Happy Stay Positive and Remember there is always tomorrow =)

Monster In Me:5 (the layout isn't right)

I hate this I do this I need this

Monster

i see silver i feel nothing

in the relief in my life

that slashes and I’m

through my begging to

thin feel

lifeless something

wrist anything

i see red i feel pain

in the rubies joy and release

that trickle that I

down my am something

pale real

freckled breathing

arm feeling

i see brown i feel regret

in the lines when I see

that stretch my arm

against my knowing I

cold did

fleshy this

skin myself

I hate this I do this I need this

Monster

Not Exactly As Planned

So today hasn't gone exactly as planned.
I'm probably not going to hit up the gym because i'm not suppose to go after dark. But I'm not too upset about it because after shopping i ended up going to the city again with my brother and that involved alot of walking around, plus since he's usually away at school i figured the bonding time would be good. It def didn't burn enough calories but if i consider today an off day then that's alright. I've been eating alot of sweets today so that is terrible. My parents got doughnuts this morning and i had some, and then later my brother saw this really cool cupcake place and said we had to get some so i had a cup cake too. Those are the only things i've had today, and if i can keep it like that then maybe I can live with myself, but I think i'll probably have some chili tonight for dinner.

I got a new notebook today =) I am obsessed with notebooks!! It has the horizon with an outline of a flying bird and at the bottom it says "i want to float away" i thought it was extremely fitting for my state of mind these days. I also got one for my sister that was a bunch of scribbles and it says "don't box me in", which i think is great for her cause i feel like my parents are always trying to make her like me and brother (really into school, organization and being healthy) but she's her own person, she's artsy and unique and i love her to pieces just that way.

Monster In Me:4

Sometimes I wonder to myself

Who will love me when I’m gone?

He answers – Snapping

Love? LOVE? What sort of wonder is that?

So I think it…For him

Who will miss me when I’m gone?

This time he scoffs

Miss? Really? High hopes we have

I don’t want to rewonder

But I see him laughing- Mocking

And I know he’s right

It’s too much to ask to be loved or missed

I realize my presence here is fruitless

There’s no one who cares enough to care

No one I’d even bother to ask

For fear of wasting their time

So with a tear trickling down my cheek

(a surprise for I had thought I was too numb to cry)

I wonder

Who will notice that I’m gone?

At this he maliciously smiles and replies

No one.

Because you are worthless

And I know this is true

Shopping =)

about to go shopping with a friend today, totally stoked because

1. it will keep me away from food
2. walking burns calories
3. i haven't hung with her in awhile
4. i love shopping
5. and i haven't been to these stores yet

after i get home i'll hopefully make it up to the gym and then its studying from there on out. I can't wait for xmas break!!! wwoooootttt!!! haha

<3 love ya all
just remember today's going to be a great day if you choose to make it that way =)

=(

i binged when i got home tonight

raisins
chili
ice cream
and a piece of pizza

blah blah blah =(

todays totals

2 waffles
banana
piece of banana bread
apple with peanut butter
raisins
chili
ice cream
pizza

ran:560+150=710

running 2m and then massive studying
this guy who wont leave me alone keeps bugging me trying to get me to go to some hockey game with him, he wanted to come with me to babysit tonight...weird....i haven't hung out with him since...maybe sophomore year...
this guy i sorta like was at the party tonight, i talked to him a little but nothing big es since one of my close friends likes him and is taking him to our up coming dance (i go to an all girls school so we have to ask the boys to our dances). He's super super sweet, a true gentleman. But even if he liked me i probably wouldn't do much about it, because he skipped a grade so age wise he's like a year and half younger than me...he's closer to my littles sisters age than mine. It's killer though because even though he's the youngest he's probably the most mature guy i've met in awhile.
driving to the party after babysitting was funny tonight because i was running late and was trying to change and drive at the same time, i was scared that i'd get pulled over and be half naked when the cop came to the car haha that'd have been an experience.

2 down...5 more to go

I planned to eat some raisins or maybe a small bowl of sp k for breakfast, but when i got down stairs my mom had two waffles and a banana sitting out for me and my sister. She never does breakfast for us during the school week so i thought it would be rude if i didn't eat it. Swearing I wouldn't have anything else to eat that day, i ate it.
We had an hour delay today so exams didn't start till 9 =) it was glorious. Psychology was my first exam and i'm pretty sure i got a 95 if not a 100 on it. My teacher practically copied and pasted the study guide she gave us and put it in a different order. Precal was my second exam...eh...i'm not too sure how that one turned out. There were some questions here and there that i didn't know but generally i felt pretty confident so let's hope i guessed good on the ones i didn't know and actually got right the ones i think i knew.
After exams I was suppose to go to the gym with my friend, but a friend of hers (shes in a grade below me so we don't have many mutual friends, though we are friendly with each others groups) invited her to lunch she invited me too but i turned it down by saying i'd puke at the gym if i ate ahead of time and that i would just meet her at the gym later.
I took my sister home first, which is when i had my down fall, while adding songs to my ipod i had a piece of that banana bread =(....but luckily i held myself at only one piece and i ran it off =).
I went to the gym and ran for an hour before my friend got there. I burned 562 calories. After she got there i stretched and ran with her (she's recovering from an injury so she can't run very long) and burned about 150 calories.
I got home, showered and picked out my outfit and now i'm just killing time. A good thing is i'm not even mentally hungry so i won't be tempted to eat and i have to baby sit soon anyways. I'm sorta nervous to watch these kids because normally my sister does but she's sick, but anyways apparently the baby screams the entire time the parents are gone...blah...but atleast they will probably be back around ten =) so i can party afterwards yay!!
My sister texted me about this really cool bracelet at a store called incas that she got, it has her sign on it. I told her i was really jealous so now she's getting me one too =) When i get it i'll take a pic and post it up on here.
Well that's all for now, Tyra is coming on =)

Later dears <3
Have a Fabulous day =)

Monster in Me:3

What the hell are you wearing?

I can’t believe you’d say something so stupid!

*Stare blankly ahead* or *don’t answer your texts*

(Oh are you talking to me?) I want you to feel that sinking feeling of isolation

I feel so powerful so in control

I can manipulate your feelings – your day

Just by the cruel words /if any/ I choose to say

I like when I let you in -you feel a sense of joy- but I can tear it down

Rip it up…Destroy every inch of it

With a simple phrase

I love this – this high…Of evil

I’d rather tear you down…So you’ll never pass me

In the self esteem hierarchy

If I control you…You can’t control me

If I hurt you…You can’t hurt me

_besides_

There’s nothing for you to tear down

Inside of me

Because

I’ve already destroyed it

Myself.

Healther Side of Normal=FAIL

okay so apparently i can't be normal, i have to be one extreme of the other.
i did okay being healthy until about four, which is when that banana bread stuff was done...i ate probably more than half of it =( ugh

in other news i'm feeling decently prepared for my exams, me and a friends studied over the phone and i only got a couple of the questions wrong =)

and 2m looks promising =)

• exams (precal and psychology so i should do okay)
  
• work out w/ abbe
• take abbee home
• shower
• pick out adorable outfit (something good for running around but can be altered for a party)
• look at monday's exam stuff/distract self
• babysit
• party
• home and straight to bed so i don't binge

i think i should be able to stay away from food...hopefully ha

well im off to bed

goodnight dears
sweet dreams to you all <3

Healthier Side of Normal

So today i decided to try to eat on the healthier side of normal...meaning no 'starving' myself and not be all weird about food. obviously i cant just eat whatever i want...my mind wont be at peace if i do...

heres what i'm doing today:

• eat every two hours
• don't worry about the individual caloric intake focus on the healthiness of it and portion size
• eat a 'okay' amount of junk food without hating yourself for it

so far its been like this:
930:coffee w/ milk and chocolate
12: salad (lettuce peas carrots and cheese)
2:licks of beater from banana bread mix (two bananas, 1/2 cup of natural apple sauce with white cake mix (plain mix don't actually put the eggs and oil in it))
2:30: 1/3 up of raisins
all day: lots and lots of water

im really procrastinating...if you can't tell haha
i have precal and psychology 2m. i'm not worried about psychology just precal =/
i'm not even bad at math but for some reasoning i keep doing bad on my tests its super super annoying

Snow Day!

i got to sleep in this morning so glorious!
I kept having weird dreams tho that felt so weird. Like in my dream i ate a piece of cheese cake with ice cream, it tasted so good and when i woke up i really felt like i had eaten some (tho we don't have any in the house) it was awesome, junk food without the calories =)
though also in my dream my old theology teacher was telling someone that she thought i had an eating disorder and needed help but was afraid i'd rebel if she said anything. that was weird...

anywho now i'm off today but i need to spend the whole day studying...which is why i'm on here and currently burning my friend a cd haha...i need three or four more songs so suggesions would be awesome here is what i have so far

kiss n tell .................... ........kesha
sleazy .......................... ..........kesha
cannibal ...................... ..........kesha
we r who we r ............. ..........kesha
dinosaur ...................... .........kesha
got no place to go ......... .......gabriella cilimi
9 crimes ........................ ......damien rice
right here waiting for you .. richard marx
rivers flow in you ................ yiruma
strays don't sleep.................for blue skys
need ..................................... hana pestle
never learned to lie ............hana pestle
jen's song..............................Benton Paul
firework (acoustic)............. katy perry
zombie............................... the cranberries
linger.................................. the cranberries
just my imagination......... the cranberries

i hope everyone is having a fabulous day =) even if your in a bad mood look in your mirror and smile =) swear it helps haha

intake so far:
9:30:coffee with milk and a lil chocolate
12:00: salad (lettuce, peas, carrots and a lil cheese)

Monster In Me:2

He refuses to leave me alone

Following me

To school…The mall…Even home

Taunting

And

Tempting

‘Look at his muscles’

‘What an adorable smile he has’

No - I tell him - No…

Friends

I remind myself

Guys are friends

Just friends…

Longing…Yearning…Desire

Does not exist

It’s merely a phase

Misinterpretation

Right?

It has to be

But

He tells me otherwise

Why?

Why?!

Why have you condemned me?!

Why did you put a demon inside me?!

Normal

I just want to feel

To be

Normal…

Why have you put me into a life of solitude…Of loneliness…

To walk through my years

Hiding…Hiding this monster that yearns

To escape

Is my life’s punishment

But for what?

Monster In Me: 1

Do you remember everything about me?

I doubt it – but don’t worry – no matter

She’s been here for as long as I can remember…And that’s all that matters anymore

Who cares if you don’t love me? I’m not going to change

Cause I’m busy changing for me…And she helps along the way

I’ll admit

Internally I know I should quit

She’s the one who’s bringing me down - doesn’t matter anymore

I’m tired of your opinion - doesn’t matter anymore

Cause I know the moment she and I get there

I’ll be happier and more

That’s what keeps me going…And her surrounding voice

Is always there

Sure, sometimes she tells me that I’m not good enough

I’ll never be good enough - I answer - So why try?

But the second I make her leave

Anxiety fills me and I’d rather die

Than live a day without her

A Faustian bargain

For eternal beauty

For control

I shake…I quiver

My blood rushes hot then cold

Dizzy with deprivation

I’m scared, I cry

Illneverbethin

Illneverbeperfect

Illneverbegoodenough

Illneverbehappy

It’s alright dear – she says – Everything Will Be Alright

And I believe her…I have to believe her

She’s my only true friend

I can’t live without her, but

Everyone keeps saying she’s out to kill me

Sounds terrible I know…But, I’d rather let her kill me

Than live fat.

Let's not talk about it...

lets not talk about the fact that i ate a huge dinner from hot wok tonight
lets not talk about the fact that i didn't go to the gym tonight
lets not talk about the fact that exams start friday
lets not talk about the fact that i was assigned a paper today due thursday (thank you ap euro)
lets not talk about the fact that i'm going to party on friday
lets not talk about the fact that i'm scared i'm too fat to wear the shirt i want to to it
lets not talk about the fact im weak and cant keep my mind off a silly boy

lets talk about the fact that my best friend is getting me a 'sister' charm to wear around my neck
lets talk about the fact that my little sister is adorably protective
lets talk about the fact that it's so close to xmas break
lets talk about the fact that me and the lovely hurt decided to hang out once a month until i leave
lets talk about the fact that there is always tomorrow ^_^

Damn it

damn it i binged....
i tried to purge most of it but im too scared that my dad will find me
sigh

Killing Time

i'm trying to kill about an half hour because i want to stay up to midnight to be able to wish my friend happy birthday...i told her i was going to be the very first one so i am determined to stay up.

todays stats
raisins-130
water-0
apple-95
peanut butter-95
cheese slices-69
wheat toast-90
total-479

workout
run 40 min = 350

total intake= 129 not terrible...


alright i still have 37 min to kill....
just for my own enjoyment i think i'm going to explain the whole lovely hurt situation even though im sure anyone who actually reads this wont care but hey like i said it's for my own enjoyment
the mothers day of freshmen year i went to mass at my grandma's church, there was a family sitting in front of us with three boys, one looked my age and for entertainment during the homily i started making up scenarios about meeting him etc, things that i never actually thought would happen. well as it turned out he was my grandma's neighbor she offered to introduce me but as a shy girl i told her there was no way i was going to let that happen. anyways one day during the summer before sophomore year i decided to facebook him, i found him and sent him a message stating that i thought he lived by my grandma. he responded and we began talking constantly. eventually we traded numbers and literally we texted from the moment we were both up until one of us fell asleep. we met when i was fifteen (he was sixteen) so i tech wasn't allowed to date but we did anyways. we were obsessed with each other. we dated for about three months then decided to take a break because my parents kept trying to not let us hang out and i met another guy that i considered dating, however i ended that before it started and me and the lovely hurt got back together the minuet i turned sixteen and was tech allowed to date. we continued to date for another five months until i broke it off. i dated two guys the summer before junior year but he and i still saw each other and talked and in between guys we acted like we were going out. after i broke up with the second guy, because i constantly wanted to be with lh, i decided to focus more time on lh in hopes he'd ask me out again and eventually he did and we dated for about another five months until he broke up with me. after we broke up i tried to tell myself that was it and that we were really going to be over but after a couple of weeks that proved wrong and we began acting like a couple again even though we tech weren't. this continued until i started hanging with some guys he didn't like. i ended up getting another bf who i dumped for the same reasons as the other guys, i just couldn't feel with them what i felt with lh. lh and i started acting like couple again and were doing awesome, everything was finally falling into place he even told me he was in love with me. a week after that i was pmsing really bad and he was always busy so i constantly bitched at him for ignoring me. he could never win. i got so mad when he bailed on me twice that i told him to stop talking to me and that we were over forever because i couldn't handle us anymore. so of course he did which hurt me so much. and sent me spiraling back into all my eating issues. currently he and i talk occasionally but we don't hang out and if i see him it usually ends up upsetting me because we always end up kissing and reminding me of what i use to have. i love him. i don't know if its just the chemicals because i gave my virginity to him and he's the only guy i've ever even considered having sex with or maybe it's the way he looks at me when we end a kiss or it could be the way i fit perfectly in his lap or the way he use to listen to all my boring stories or the way he helped me save my best friend. idk what it is all i know is that when i'm with him nothing else matters and everything feels at peace...but i don't have that anymore and it's driving me crazy...i know theres someone else out there for me but not having him is driving me insane. i just wish we could have stayed together until i leave for college. he's in college now which is why i think he's decided that we shouldn't act like we are together anymore, because he's always busy and has not time for this little highschooler anymore. i miss him. i miss the way my life was earlier this school year.

so far so good =)

today has been really good so far =)
i ate raisins for breakfast-130cals
ran today for about 40min burned about 350cals
i still have to eat dinner tonight but i'm think i'll just have an apple with some peanut butter

the lovely hurt texted me today, he was helping his brother finally move in to the house they've been working on for awhile
he said i ruined the house for him because whenever he walks into a room his eye automatically is drawn to a place where we messed around or cuddled or even just talked
he and i use to mess around in his brothers house because no one was ever there

doesn't he realize he's ruined my whole life? everything makes me think of him, my room, the basement, my living room, the swing in my backyard, my school...everywhere i go there is some memory of him and me. people still assume we are together so they ask me about him...i can't escape him...i don't want to escape him...not yet

exams start friday im screwed


im really really hungry but i need to wait until dinner to eat...im really hungry tho

Oh Boy...

mom-are you okay?
me-ya i'm fine
mom-you just seemed quiet today
me-im fine
mom-did you eat dinner?
me-yes i had lettuce on rye and wheat bread cause i had a bunch of raisins earlier
mom-oh
me-ya and then i had ice cream...in case you were wondering what all i ate tonight haha
mom-did you eat breakfast?
me-yes
mom-okay...
me-i had cereal, dad saw me eat
mom-i just get worried when you're quiet that you're worried about people seeing you eat, i mean you said that thing about the cake... (i told her we should give some of the bday cake to my grandma)
me-i just think we eat alot of junk food
mom-oh i know we do, but the apples were healthy
me-what apples
mom-the bakes apples
me-oh i just don't like them
mom-oh..well...i just don't want you to use food for control
me-okay
mom-okay, (hugs me) you know you can talk to me about anything (was it a statement or a question?)
me-yeah i know

i know she means well, but it just makes me feel so guilty and makes it that much harder to get away with stuff.
if our family would just eat healthy in the first place then this would never be a problem because i wouldn't me disgusting in the first place

Its only two oclock....

it's only two o'clock and i already feel like i'm going to fail today
i drank coffee, ate a bowl of cereal and a piece of goetta
that isn't whats getting me down tho...i only ran for 30 min&waslked for 10 min today and because the calorie part wasn't working i'm not sure how many calories i burned and further more i was suppose to weigh myself at the gym today but i chickened out. the scale is right by the receptions desk and there is always a really cute guy there when i wanna weigh myself, though maybe it's good that i don't weigh myself...i don't know, i'm really indecisive about how i feel about scales.
the main reason i feel like i'm going to fail today is the fact that we are having my grandma's birthday party at my house today which means there is going to be alot of junk food sitting out that I'm going to want to eat not to mention cake and ice cream. my goal is to stay away from the snacks and eat only fruits and veggies for dinner and then have a small piece of cake and ice cream with everyone else. i need to stay positive and believe that i can do this, though i know it will be hard. i think i'm going to write something inspirational on my arm, so whenever i'm feeling weak i can just pull my sleeve up and give myself strength.

well i guess i should go shower and get to work, i have to learn amazing grace for guitar tomorrow, study for anatomy AND prepare for exams...ugh this week is going to suck....but at least Christmas break is soon =) that makes me ecstatically happy

another depressing post

today started out on a positive note, i woke up and had some coffee with my mom. had a nice chat
>wasn't too worried about the calories cause i knew i would need the caffeine to get thru the day

then i met a friend for breakfast, i had a multigrain pancake and egg whites
>still not too worried about the calories because that was where i thought my food intake was going to end for the day
>WRONG
we went shopping after which was good because we walked around for awhile

from the mall i went home to touch myself up before heading to the lovely hurt's house to finally make good on my promise to watch inception with him. the movie was okay but the entire time i just wanted him to hold my hand, move closer, pull me on to his lap and of course kiss me.
he did none of the above.
after the movie we talked and my desire for affection grew, no matter how much i knew i would regret it later, how much more it would destroy me. he told me all about college and about all the new people he was meeting...i really want to be happy for him, and i am...but still it sucks so bad knowing that he's got a whole new life that doesn't have time for me anymore.
eventually i told him i had to leave soon and i started to count out the seconds jokingly, he put his arm around me and pulled me close. i hugged him goodbye, he held me tight and flipped me so the i was wrapped up in his arms underneath him. he kissed me and we started kissing just like old times. the entire time we kissed i kept trying to remind myself that this...that he... isn't mine anymore. "this soft hair that i run my fingers through isn't mine, these gorgeous eyes staring deeply at me aren't mine, those strong hand stroking my face aren't mine" eventually i told him i had to go even though my lips begged me not to. i had to end it i couldn't take this anymore. i want him so bad. i want things to go back to how they were so bad. i want to go back to summer we first met.
we hugged again and i buried my head into the curve of his neck where it fits perfectly. Apologizing he held me tightly, "this is why i was scared to hang out with you, i never want this to end", i replied with silence outwardly but inwardly "then why are you making it end?" finally i removed myself from where i fit so effortlessly. when he tried to kiss me again i pulled back and told him i couldn't. if we ended with a kiss i would still have that small hope that things could go back to normal. but i know things will never be the same. i screwed up way too much. i ruined us.
i kissed him on the cheek. he hugged me and i drove home.
>i got home and ate raisins, noodles, a granola bar and cereal!! EMOTIONAL EATING I am very angry about these calories

after my binge i babysat for a family with five kids, sadly we didn't run around as much as i had hoped but i did do some abs after they went to sleep
>burned maybe 5 calories ha
>when i got home i binged like no other, chili noodles and cheese, raisins, apple w/ peanut butter, granola bar AND Coke UGH!!!

pretty much when it comes to my goal i failed today, i didn't get to work out because i was on the go alot, and i ate alot of carbs so today is a
FAIL

one day and i already failed

so i set up what i was going to eat today
raisins
egg whites
green goodness
raisins
water
and whatever i chose to eat at pf changs tonight

what i actually ate today was
raisins
egg whites
hot chocolate
green goodness
doughnut
juice
raisins
water
cereal
salad
chili
brownie

can you say fail? i ate five things wrong today...that might not sound like much but when you add up all the calories...it's alot.

when i worked out today i only burned off my breakfast and lunch (430cals+130cals=560) which leaves the rest of my horrible eating sitting in my waist arms and thighs (200cals+100cals+200cals+100cals+300cals+200cals=1,100cals)
the goal is to burn more than i'm eating...FAIL

today was a bummer anyways because my dinner plans were a bust...i'm not sure if i would have eaten less or more calories if we had ended up going to dinner...

>105

you are not lost. i am with you and i know where i am going

Goals for 2011

• weigh 95 pounds
• beautiful hair
• perfect eyebrows
• always shaved
• clean nails
• soft skin
• develop a style
  
• flat abs
• the gap

* i have to complete one before starting the one below it
* i will document my days and what I've done that day to get myself closer to my goal