1. I'm bloated from pms
2. I don't like running on campus by myself but no one can run three miles without walking so I haven't ran a whole three miles in weeks.
3.Big/Little week has happened and my Big gave me, cookies, m&ms, skittles and twizzlers...so what do i do? I put the cookies hidden in a box so I can give them to the boyfriend when I go home and then gorge on the candy. I AM SUCH A FUCKING FAT ASS!!!!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Paranoid,Weigh In and Jean Thinspo
Today I read an article about how companies look at your online networking sites (facebook, twitter etc) and will often base whether they give you a job or not. I began to get fearful. Can they find my blogs and link me to them? Will I lose job opportunities when they see how mental I can be at times? Part of me is tempted to delete my blog just to be on the safe side, but honestly I really don't want to. Even if no reads what I write I enjoy knowing I have this place to get these th.8oughts about myself and my body out of my head and into a place where I think people can see them. I enjoy having this place that seem secret to me, but perhaps it's not as secret as I'd like to believe.
In good news I weighed myself today. After a couple rough eating days and my lack of exercise I was very pleasantly surprised when I weighed myself and discovered I weighted 97.8lbs. This definitely brightened my day. Just three more pounds and I'll be at my goal weight for the school year and I can start working towards my ultimate goal weight of 89lb.
I am getting nervous however because my mom is starting to make comments about my weight. She discovered that I'd been purging this summer. I know if I start getting down to 89 she'll flip out. She keeps saying I look thinner but honestly I think I look larger than I did while I was on vacation with my friends this summer and when I left for school and she didn't say anything about it then, so I don't know what her deal is. Honestly I think the issue is that she's been looking at my sister who is the same height as I am, but we have a different build. She's beautiful and a curvier build than I am. It's not even a diet thing, it's just how she's built, she's always had bigger boobs and a rounder face than me. She's built more like my mom and I'm built more like my dad. I just think she's use to seeing my sister (since she still lives at home) and just thinks I look thinner since I am thinner than her.
Either way I am going to keep going until I feel like I can look good in my jeans for the fall.
In good news I weighed myself today. After a couple rough eating days and my lack of exercise I was very pleasantly surprised when I weighed myself and discovered I weighted 97.8lbs. This definitely brightened my day. Just three more pounds and I'll be at my goal weight for the school year and I can start working towards my ultimate goal weight of 89lb.
I am getting nervous however because my mom is starting to make comments about my weight. She discovered that I'd been purging this summer. I know if I start getting down to 89 she'll flip out. She keeps saying I look thinner but honestly I think I look larger than I did while I was on vacation with my friends this summer and when I left for school and she didn't say anything about it then, so I don't know what her deal is. Honestly I think the issue is that she's been looking at my sister who is the same height as I am, but we have a different build. She's beautiful and a curvier build than I am. It's not even a diet thing, it's just how she's built, she's always had bigger boobs and a rounder face than me. She's built more like my mom and I'm built more like my dad. I just think she's use to seeing my sister (since she still lives at home) and just thinks I look thinner since I am thinner than her.
Either way I am going to keep going until I feel like I can look good in my jeans for the fall.
Monday, August 20, 2012
One Good Thing
I will say, one good thing about school and not having someone constantly asking me to go eat with them is that I can easily just not eat. So far today I've had a coffee with skim milk half a packet of splenda along with a honey whole wheat bagel. It's 6.30 and although some girls have mentioned wanting to meet up to eat none of them have texted me with an exact time or anything like that sooo I'm thinking I might just be done for the day. Plus I'm working out with a friend tonight so that'll be good too =) although i was looking at my legs today and they look too muscular, its not even sexy just gross. But then again what else is new? Gross is the norm.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Catching Up In A World I Don't Want to Be Caught In
Life is roughing me up.
Vacation with the friends was basically amazing. I spent six days with my boyfriend on the beach constantly being told how tiny I am. As always there were tumbles here and there, I lost my bathing suit top the first day because the waves were so rough they tore it off and my friend got a bit annoyed with my boyfriend but all in all it was amazing. I came back and I left to go to school for recruitment.
I moved all of my things into my dorm and then that night receive an email saying I had made it off a wait list and into a better dorm. While it was great to make it in to a better dorm moving was a pain. I was told I had to move it by midnight the next night. The problem was that I was going to be at rush all day and evening. Thank goodness the boyfriend is amazing and drove down to help me move everything and stay the night, so I wasn't alone in my room the first night.
Rush was fun enough however bid day came. I ended up receiving bid from a house I had enjoyed but there is one problem with the house and this issue is the reason I have been hating life lately. The stereo type for this sorority is that it's the fat girls. I know I'm not 'fat' as in normal people fat. But with as high as my fear is that people will view me as fat this devastated me. People keep telling me that these girls are nice and cool and the stereotype is just people having fun with the names and doesn't actually have anything to do with the girls in it, but I really can't shake it. If I can't shake the stereotype and get close with the girls by initiation I'm going to drop it.
Why am I so judgmental?
I'm also very jealous because my friend made it into one of the 'pretty' sororities. Yeah their stereotype is that they are slutty and easy but still at least they are pretty.
I'm feeling very wounded right now, like I'm alone down here at school I just want the boyfriend to be here all the time and I wish I had a car here so I could drive back and meet him.
I miss my best friend, the boyfriend, the family, my job and my car.
I'm okay with being a loner, I'm a loner type in general, the issue is that down at school I can't be a true loner because I feel like people are watching and judging my loner-ness.
If I could be a loner in peace I would be happy. A room by myself I could just be a hermit and just see my boyfriend on the weekend and then be an awesome studious kid.
But this isnt an option. There's so much I wish I had right now that I don't and its really just fucking annoying.
Vacation with the friends was basically amazing. I spent six days with my boyfriend on the beach constantly being told how tiny I am. As always there were tumbles here and there, I lost my bathing suit top the first day because the waves were so rough they tore it off and my friend got a bit annoyed with my boyfriend but all in all it was amazing. I came back and I left to go to school for recruitment.
I moved all of my things into my dorm and then that night receive an email saying I had made it off a wait list and into a better dorm. While it was great to make it in to a better dorm moving was a pain. I was told I had to move it by midnight the next night. The problem was that I was going to be at rush all day and evening. Thank goodness the boyfriend is amazing and drove down to help me move everything and stay the night, so I wasn't alone in my room the first night.
Rush was fun enough however bid day came. I ended up receiving bid from a house I had enjoyed but there is one problem with the house and this issue is the reason I have been hating life lately. The stereo type for this sorority is that it's the fat girls. I know I'm not 'fat' as in normal people fat. But with as high as my fear is that people will view me as fat this devastated me. People keep telling me that these girls are nice and cool and the stereotype is just people having fun with the names and doesn't actually have anything to do with the girls in it, but I really can't shake it. If I can't shake the stereotype and get close with the girls by initiation I'm going to drop it.
Why am I so judgmental?
I'm also very jealous because my friend made it into one of the 'pretty' sororities. Yeah their stereotype is that they are slutty and easy but still at least they are pretty.
I'm feeling very wounded right now, like I'm alone down here at school I just want the boyfriend to be here all the time and I wish I had a car here so I could drive back and meet him.
I miss my best friend, the boyfriend, the family, my job and my car.
I'm okay with being a loner, I'm a loner type in general, the issue is that down at school I can't be a true loner because I feel like people are watching and judging my loner-ness.
If I could be a loner in peace I would be happy. A room by myself I could just be a hermit and just see my boyfriend on the weekend and then be an awesome studious kid.
But this isnt an option. There's so much I wish I had right now that I don't and its really just fucking annoying.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Back At School
Im back at school doing sorority recruitment. I'll say more once this crazy shit is over and I have a moment to really stop and breath.
Do not like that i have food in my dorm.
Do not like that i have food in my dorm.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Diet Tea
So I bought some dieters tea, and I really don't think its working. Most reviews say it works like a lax but so far nothing. Anyone have any weight loss teas that have worked well for them?
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