Saturday, January 28, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
"My Problems Hide In Numbers That Leave When I Gag and Heave"-Pompeii
She ripped the shirt from her body and quickly yanked off her jeans, staring in the mirror trying to see passed the rolls of fat that smothered her, stealing and concealing her breath all at once. Pushing against her stomach she felt for the hardness that would prove she was more than just another lazy American, taking pride in riches and greedy behavior. Her stomach resisted the pressure filling her with a cramping pain that was sure to lead to purging. You deserve this she thought as she searched and searched but found no reassurance that she was any better, any different at all. At the sickening realization her hand found the rolls and began tugging wherever there was give.
Each roll had a name: love, friends, family, money, school, future, past and society. Each one was disgusting and imperfect reminding her of the one truth in her life: not good enough - not good enough - not fucking good enough - but all will be better when the roll is gone. When the roll is gone your sister won’t be angry and cut and your brother won't drink and wind up in the ER with no recollection of the night. When the roll is gone your parents won't wear the constant look of fear and bewilderment. When the roll is gone he will start calling again, taking interest and paying attention like he used to. Everyone will be happy when the roll is gone. She'd feel empty anyways so why not lose weight at the same time? At least hunger pains made sense, they were justified. Not that she was even hungry, with all the talk of school and her future that made her nervous. All the reminders of just how unstable her life truly was.
Her hand squeezed a little tighter and she knelt from the mirror to the bowl that would take away her problems, take away her anger, her sadness and her disappointment. Today she was not good enough-but she purged for one day she would purge enough to find the happiness underneath.
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