Monster In Me: Part Nine

* Went to the mall with Ana. Same old same old. We hit up all the best stores. Going from rack to rack, everything looks amazing…on the models. Sigh. During our expedition I held up pieces for consideration. Ana replied with ‘your thighs’, ‘that won’t hide a muffin top’ or merely a sound of disgust because we both know there was no way any of these clothes would fit. We walked around for about 3 hours, I followed Ana up and down all the stairs. Famished I made my way to the food court. ‘ You can’t be serious’ Anna gagged when I purchased a diet coke, ‘some diet’. I wanted to ignore her but the guilt made my head hurt so I threw it away and we went home. Ana didn’t say a word the entire way back, there’s a lot of tension between her and my mom.
Mom kept giving me looks today. She and Dad kept whispering. I hate their critical eye. I know I’m fat! I know I need to lose weight! Can’t they realize I’m working on it? I’ll be their perfect little angel in no time if they just leave me alone.


* Because of Ana’s and my fall out yesterday I decide to hang out with Mia instead. She’s not as bitchy as Ana. Don’t get me wrong, I love Ana, and I know she’s only trying to help me reach my goal, but sometimes I’d rather forget that I’m suppose to be fasting or restricting.
Mia and I made cookies…well okay we made a cookie, we ate all the cookie dough. It was so good, the sweet buttery taste and the smooth feeling on my tongue. Later we watched a movie and tried to calculate everyone’s stats and BMIs. It was fabulous until I started remembering all the crap we had eaten. So I went to the bathroom and puked up all the grossness. I hate throwing up, but Mia came in and rubbed my back. ‘It’s alright ,deary’ she said ‘it’s worth it’ and I knew she was right.


*Mom came in today and freaked out on me. She started asking me about my weight. I couldn’t believe it. The doctor told her that the best way for me to become healthy would be to let me realize it for myself. And I have realized it! And I am working on it! She found my fat jeans on the floor and threw them at me, telling me how scary I’m becoming. It was almost impossible not to laugh. I’m the scary one? She was the one screaming.


*I’m so bored. I want to hang out with someone today, but I don’t know who. None of the kids from school like Mia and Ana. But Mia and Ana can’t hang out together because all they do is argue with each other. It’s like the only thing they can agree on is that I need to lose some weight, but everyone agrees on that so I hardly think that counts. I really wish I could call Patrick, I miss him so much. Sigh. I know it’s hopeless. Ugh. I can still remember the day he dumped me. It was right after Ana and I started hanging out. ‘Stop being like this, I love you, but I hate what you’ve become’ I think he got that from a movie. Ha. He was never very creative. Damn, I miss him. Ana says he’ll come back… ‘when you’re good enough.’ It keeps me motivated.


*Ana and I wrote out a new diet plan. Seven day fast. Water and an apple slice with cinnamon only for this week. I want it to work so bad.


*Felt dizzy all day. Thank goodness Ana’s been around, she’s the only thing that keeps me going. Every time I think about eating…which is all day…every god damn second…she reminds me about how huge my thighs are, how much I want Patrick back.
‘Just think how happy you’ll be when you reach your goal weight.’
Happy… I don’t even remember what that feels like.


*Life – I don’t want to talk about it…plus I’m too tired to.

*Day 3… I’ve lost 4 pounds! Ana and I celebrated today. 4 pounds closer to my goal. 4 pounds closer to perfection. 4 pounds closer to not being fat, gross and ugly. Shit…I’ve only lost 4 pounds…


*Why can’t my mom just leave me alone! ‘She’s just jealous that you’re starting to lose weight and she’s stuck with 45 year old lard’- Ana. I know she’s right but it still hurts. I just want my mom to be happy for me, to be proud for me. She acts like what I’m doing is bad, but I’m doing what she told me to.

*I love how light I feel, as if I’m slowly disappearing, pound by pound, cell by cell until one day I’m thin and happy. Sometimes I hate it though. It scares me, as if one day I’ll go to pick up my pencil only to discover my fingers fall right through it as if they are transparent. I’m scared one day I’ll wake up and be a ghost. I’m scared even then I still won’t be happy.

*God I’m so hungry.


*Down 7, the hunger’s worth it.


* XX


*I’m writing this on a scrap but I’ll put it in later. I hate my mom. I hate my dad. I hate Patrick. I hate the doctors. I hate the nurses. I hate the hospital. I hate these IVs. I hate my fat. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate that I hate myself. Where are Ana and Mia? They haven’t visited me since I collapsed at school. Ana was there one minute on the stairs telling me to go faster cause it will burn more calories. The next thing I knew I was here with this stupid IV stuck in me, feeding me. Feeding me damnit! I was doing good…so good…and now they are going to make me fat again! Why are they doing this to me? I can see myself growing and growing. I feel as if the fat will burst out of my skin! Ana? Mia? Where are you? I need you back, I need to feel calm and okay again. My hands are shaking, My breathing is short. What’s happening to me???????? HELP!!!!!!!!


*I called out for Ana today. I was tired and a bit delusional from the stress of knowing they were making me fat and there was nothing I could do about it. Mom crinkled her head and asked who? I repeated, ‘Ana.’ Mom left a moment and came back with tears (what else is new). ‘Honey, Ana…she’s- she’s not real…’ I’m not sure what I did next. The nurses say I started screaming and having a panic attack shaking and trying to pull off the IVs. Supposedly I almost threw myself into a heart attack. I started asking the nurses about Mia and they gave me the same lie as my mom. I guess they think it’s Ana and Mia that made me like this and by keeping me away from them I’ll be more submissive, but Ana and Mia didn’t make me like this. Everyone else did. Ana and Mia were the ones trying to help me, the only ones trying to help me. I know my mom and the nurses are lying, cause during my freak out they said I just suddenly calmed down completely. I remember why. During my attack I looked at the doorway, Ana and Mia were standing there, ‘Don’t worry, deary, stay strong, don’t let them override you, you are in control. One day you will be thin enough, you will be perfect enough and you will finally be happy again. Everything will be alright.’ And I know they are right.