Saturday

No power today so food shouldn't be too rough, but all my fruit is going bad for the week and I cant make tea.
Coffee
Bagle w/ peanutbuttter
Pizza

I should be the only one home when I get back so I'll try to purge what is still in me by then before i meet my parents at the pool to swim laps. i do find it funny that now that i dont have a boy touching my body that i decide to get serious again. i think part of that is because for him i wanted to eat normal because i knew he would get mad at me for purging, but now it doesnt matter what he thinks since he doesn't think we should hang out and rather actively try to get over each other.Plus now i have to actually try to get guys instead of using him as my reason why I don't have to.
I think i might buy some laxatives for the days i can't regurgitate what i consume or if my family is too close. Any have any advice or opinions on lax usage?  
Also I was watching American Pie and they talked about IPecs or something like that that makes you throw up so i was wondering if that was something I could just buy straight up. I really dont want purging to be my main form of thin ii'd rather restrict but some days I'm too week or too watched so it'll be nice to have a plan B.

1 month and 5 days until beach time with my friends!

Friday

Cake
Coffee
Bagle w PB and Jelly
Green Tea w/ Lemon
Green Tea w/ Lemon
Water
Spoon of Ice Cream
Pizza

Food consumption was bad and ever worse everyone was home in the evening so i couldn't purge. When I tried to do it quietly nothing would come out. THIS SUCKS! I did get a nice sweating detox at the pool because it was so hot. As I was laying out I just had puddles of water on my body. It felt so good to feel the toxins leave my body.

Yesterday's Mess

Yesterday I discovered that my ex and friend hung out. I was extremely jealous because he had called her up to hang out, since I had told him she needed more people here at home to hang out with. I do want her to be able to hang out with him, but at the same time I was hoping I would be the common piece between them so it would give me a chance to see my ex in a friendly way without all the temptations. It's so frustrating because like most things I brought this upon myself by telling him that he was one of the few people he liked to hang out with at home, and that I really thought she needed more people in her life so the two of them should hang out. In most cases non of my friends would ever dream of hanging with him without me, he lives about 30  min away and our lives and friend groups don't cross (one of the reasons it ended after 4 years) but this friend however is more out going and not as...loyal...to particular people. Just the thought that after 4 years she gets to remain friends with him really hurts.

A Nice Feeling

I think this is the first time I've tried to purge without a binge. It's sorta a nice feeling, I'm not all stressed about getting everything out so I can totally focus on the high.

Today

Green Tea with Lemon
Coffee
Coffee
Smoothie: Carbmaster yogurt, Blueberries, Strawberries
Green Tea with Lemon
Apple
Attempted eating a Brot but kept feeling as though I was eating a dick
Baked Beans
Salad: Lettuce, Spinach, Chicken and Cheese
Blueberry Ego Waffles
and I'll probably have another Green Tea with Lemon before the day is over.

Tonight I am meeting with friends for a midnight run so hopefully that will make me feel better about the ego waffles....
I don't feel today was terrible as it was my first day restarting but I have much improvement awaiting.

Well I Tried

I tried to be normal with food. I tried to plan a way to lose weight in a 'healthy' fashion but I failed at that too. I want to see the numbers drop again. I want to be the skinny girl. I don't care if people give me a hard time for not eating around them. I'm done. I can't keep acting normal and being miserable. I want to feel light again. I felt so amazing at school when there was no food in my dorm to tempt me. I looked so good then, but since being home this summer I've only been a cow. So I am done being gross. No more no more no more.