I dunno how to deal anymore. I wonder if the way I think is normal... Am I screwed up, am I just a tennage girl (for this remaining year till the big 20...that number is scaring the shit out of me) or am I merely human? There are days and sometimes I can even get a full week or two of just pure bliss. I'm happy and don't even have the urge to purge (cliche I know...but it works so well...it rolls off the tongue so easy, sort of like the feeling I got when I purged last year...wow I just realized that was a year ago...it feels so recent) I truly believe that life is going to be okay, that I can get through and maybe even enjoy the remainder of it. Then suddenly it feels like everything is falling apart and even if its just one day out the week it is such an intense day, such an intense feeling that I wonder how I am suppose to go on for 50 plus years. I'm not suicidal don't get me wrong...I just...I don't understand how God or some higher power would make the human condition so bad, assuming all humans feel these emotions. Hope-Bewilderment-Hopelessness... they all sound pretty human to me.
How am I suppose to deal with an enternity of these off and on moods? How does the rest of the population handle this? Am I just a baby for complaining about these feelings of desolation and abandonment when I have friends, whether they be four doors down or three hours away. Everyone said college is awesome, better than highschool. Personally I liked highschool better. I don't know if I can handle the social life of college outside of the parties.
It's just like last semester, Im out going and hang out with people the first couple of weeks and then I somehow without even noticing slip back into my ways of just staying in my room unless I have true reason not to be. I feel like such a recluse and yet people see me as outgoing...as happy. Its crazy how much my head is spinning, sometimes I can't imagine how my friends don't see me sway under the dizzying thoughts, or slouching under the pressure. I wonder how can they not see the fear, the anger, the disappointment and hurt. I don't understand how they can't see it...and yet... I never saw my sisters... never knew what she was doing to herself. I say I would have made her get help...would have been there better...would have "fixed" her. Shame on me though...right? Here I am wishing I never had to see food again, planning out new ways to restrict to bring my weight down to a weight deemed "unhealthy" by those who think they know better. I asked my friends earlier this week, "who decided that there are certain ways to relieve pain that are healthy and ways that are not?" who got to decide that one persons way was "wrong"? Who am I to say that my sister did it incorrectly and needs to find a better way to express her self, when I did it through puking, and do it through restriction? This is suppose to open my eyes isnt it? To realize how much I love her and how much I want her to get better and believe people feel the same about me. But I can't. It doesnt click like that, instead I just want to be thinner to be more perfect than before, because now I can blame so many other things, its not for "attention" its because my family is messed up, its because I need to add some sort of perfection to it, its because I'm fat...who knows what the real reason is...control...denial...idk...
Anyways In case you can't tell...my mind is going crazy and I can't calm it down. I wanted to purge so bad that I needed to find something to do with my hands other then stick them down my throat so I figured I would just make a rambling post... so yeah a bit longer than usual...sorry
have a fabulous day (whoever took the time to read this haha...I guess its not too terrible long, but for my blog post I feel like its realllyyy long, even after writing all these school papers)
<3 peace
