Yesterday during school i decided this has to end. I can't live like this, starving myself one day and having a horrible binge the next. Food is always on my mind and I'm constantly filled with some sort of anxiety about my next meal or lack there of. I want to major in exercise science and help other people with their health, but how can i do that when i won't even take care of myself? So i'm starting over. No more of this starvation life style where i ways feel grumpy and exhausted. I'm going to start really taking control and finding some sort of balance in my life. I might not be able to control my friends, my family, my schooling or the boys in my life, but i can control what i do and how i treat myself and my body.
If i want other people to treat me with respect i have to start treating myself with respect.
So i did some research today about balanced meals and exercise, it's going to be hard because its more complicated than just not eating, i have to eat at certain times and make sure certain things are in each meal, but i am determined to make this work. i will take control. i will be healthy. and i will be happy.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
who are you?
ate too much at dinner tonight =( and im not going to purge it because i wanna stay away from that for my teeths sake if nothing else
i really want to keep eating, i have that binge feeling creeping up on me. luckily my mom is in the kitchen right now, its the only thing keeping me from going in there. i'm not even hungry because i ate so much just a little bit ago i just really wanna eat just to eat. its so pathetic. i'm pathetic. i hate this. i was getting so proud of myself today and it all just got shitted on.
so lh sent me a nice sweet message, i haven't talked to him in a couple of days and probably wont text him until sometime this weekend, i just havent been in the mood to let him act all sweet like there isn't a huge issue between us. i know he doesn't see me as some girl to walk all over but really thats what it is. i make out with him, im here when he wants me to be but he's not going to date me again. sometimes im totally okay with this because i've done worse to him and plus i like him so i love our hooking up as much as he does, but lately i'm just not in the mood to let him have his cake and eat it too. i want him to realize that i'm done being just some back up.
GOD I JUST WANNA BE THIN AND BEAUTIFUL SO HE'S LUCKY TO HAVE ME.
but anyways i didn't mean for this to be a rant....
where i was going with this was as follows
he started saying how he doesn't know who he really is. he knows who he is to other people but if he wasn't trying to be something for other people he wouldn't know who to be, how to act. he challenged me to ask the question to myself, who am i. not who i am to other people but in general who am i. he said he wished i would stop worrying about what other people think about me and how i look and what i eat and just be myself but i think he's wrong to say it like that, because that is who i am. i am a worrier that's just who i am, it's not something someone made me to be. i am a weird eater i'm not doing that for someone. my worrying, my body issues, my eating those all things that make me me. they aren't a reaction to the outside world they are a action from myself.
so now i challenge you to ask yourself the same question
who are you?
i really want to keep eating, i have that binge feeling creeping up on me. luckily my mom is in the kitchen right now, its the only thing keeping me from going in there. i'm not even hungry because i ate so much just a little bit ago i just really wanna eat just to eat. its so pathetic. i'm pathetic. i hate this. i was getting so proud of myself today and it all just got shitted on.
so lh sent me a nice sweet message, i haven't talked to him in a couple of days and probably wont text him until sometime this weekend, i just havent been in the mood to let him act all sweet like there isn't a huge issue between us. i know he doesn't see me as some girl to walk all over but really thats what it is. i make out with him, im here when he wants me to be but he's not going to date me again. sometimes im totally okay with this because i've done worse to him and plus i like him so i love our hooking up as much as he does, but lately i'm just not in the mood to let him have his cake and eat it too. i want him to realize that i'm done being just some back up.
GOD I JUST WANNA BE THIN AND BEAUTIFUL SO HE'S LUCKY TO HAVE ME.
but anyways i didn't mean for this to be a rant....
where i was going with this was as follows
he started saying how he doesn't know who he really is. he knows who he is to other people but if he wasn't trying to be something for other people he wouldn't know who to be, how to act. he challenged me to ask the question to myself, who am i. not who i am to other people but in general who am i. he said he wished i would stop worrying about what other people think about me and how i look and what i eat and just be myself but i think he's wrong to say it like that, because that is who i am. i am a worrier that's just who i am, it's not something someone made me to be. i am a weird eater i'm not doing that for someone. my worrying, my body issues, my eating those all things that make me me. they aren't a reaction to the outside world they are a action from myself.
so now i challenge you to ask yourself the same question
who are you?
distant
ive been feeling distant for the past couple of days
haven't felt like blogging much tho i've been reading others
haven't answered any of my texts or fb messages
i just don't feel like putting in the effort to be social
i feel sunken and drained
haven't felt like blogging much tho i've been reading others
haven't answered any of my texts or fb messages
i just don't feel like putting in the effort to be social
i feel sunken and drained
Monday, January 24, 2011
to lose or not to lose?
i'm having some major mixed feelings about dropping weight.
obviously i want to get thin, i want to do these two weeks to see how low i can get in that amount of time. but i'm also nervous about losing because the dress im getting is a strapless i'm already pretty flat chested and i'm scared i'll lose my boobs more than anything else in these two weeks resulting in the dress no longer fitting. my mom got me the dress tonight and its cost more than what she'd usually spend so it has to look amazing. if it doesn't fit right when the dance roles around i'll feel terrible but wanna be thin!
since im still eating i probably wont lose that much....is what i'm telling myself and hopefully its true.
obviously i want to get thin, i want to do these two weeks to see how low i can get in that amount of time. but i'm also nervous about losing because the dress im getting is a strapless i'm already pretty flat chested and i'm scared i'll lose my boobs more than anything else in these two weeks resulting in the dress no longer fitting. my mom got me the dress tonight and its cost more than what she'd usually spend so it has to look amazing. if it doesn't fit right when the dance roles around i'll feel terrible but wanna be thin!
since im still eating i probably wont lose that much....is what i'm telling myself and hopefully its true.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
14 days of intensity
okay 14 days of intensity. i have no other options.
a little bit of breakfast and nothing else until dinner except water or coffee NO BINGES i'll restart the allowance of one binge a week after the dance. i will not weigh myself until next Sunday because i don't want to feel proud and reward myself with food
start weight: 104lbs
day one:
day four
a little bit of breakfast and nothing else until dinner except water or coffee NO BINGES i'll restart the allowance of one binge a week after the dance. i will not weigh myself until next Sunday because i don't want to feel proud and reward myself with food
start weight: 104lbs
day one:
- coffee
- little helping of baked oatmeal made with half the sugar, apple sauce and no oil
- yogurt
- lettuce
- piece of chicken
- apple w/ peanut butter
- hot choc
- baked oatmeal
- more baked oatmeal
- beans and rice
- slice of pizza
- apple w/ peanutbutter
- gum
- popcorn
- wheat bagel w/ jam
- hot choc
- muesli
- gum
- egg whites
- apple w/ peanutbutter
- toast with jam
- raisins
- hot choc
day four
- hot choc
- egg whites
- gum
- spg w/ meatballs
- salad
- choc milk
- apple w/ peanut butter
- banana nut muffin
- hot choc
- hamburger helper chili macaroni (3 helpings)
- apple with peanut butter
- cereal (two bowls)
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Sickk
Got a terrible cough today which has me feeling exhausted and out of it...thats sorta good tho cause its keeping me from eating...but its also keeping me from the gym which is a total downer.
i decided to change my blog stuff around. the whole 2011 goal thing doesn't really apply anymore, really all i want is to feel pure. i want to feel the weight off my body, and i wanna be so light i feel like i can float. *sigh* such dreams
i decided to change my blog stuff around. the whole 2011 goal thing doesn't really apply anymore, really all i want is to feel pure. i want to feel the weight off my body, and i wanna be so light i feel like i can float. *sigh* such dreams
Friday, January 21, 2011
Doing better
Okay i think i'm back on track =) yesterday was horrible but today was a ton better
I skipped breakfast because i didn't feel well and i never eat lunch at school
after school i went to the gym
hillwalk for 70min=355cal
abs=idk
stairmaster=144
rowing=130
5 min sprint=50cal
total=679cals
then i ate a yogurt for dinner=100 cal
and drank coffee with some hot choc=65 cal
total 165
todays total= -514 cals yay =)
i'm heading off to party soon so it will be easier to keep away from food. i'm praying i don't binge tonight when i get home.
I skipped breakfast because i didn't feel well and i never eat lunch at school
after school i went to the gym
hillwalk for 70min=355cal
abs=idk
stairmaster=144
rowing=130
5 min sprint=50cal
total=679cals
then i ate a yogurt for dinner=100 cal
and drank coffee with some hot choc=65 cal
total 165
todays total= -514 cals yay =)
i'm heading off to party soon so it will be easier to keep away from food. i'm praying i don't binge tonight when i get home.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Starting to fail
this is going to sound so horrible and weak. i already no im going to fail today. i have already accepted it. i have a snow day which means i'm stuck at home all day and my mom bought a bunch of binge food yesterday.
ready for the weakest phrase? i'll start hardcore on sunday.
I don't like in complete weeks which is why i'm saying sunday. i have to do this. i have to be 95 by feb 5th. that means fasting and full running hardcore work outs every day. i don't care if it kills me.
ready for the weakest phrase? i'll start hardcore on sunday.
I don't like in complete weeks which is why i'm saying sunday. i have to do this. i have to be 95 by feb 5th. that means fasting and full running hardcore work outs every day. i don't care if it kills me.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Ten Things
Thanks to Jam and Jabberwock's lovely Kari, I suppose I'm suppose to write 10 things about myself, so here are ten random things that randomly came to my mind about myself:
1. I had my first kiss at 4 yrs old with a kid who is now a man whore
2. I screwed myself over by falling in love in sophomore year
3. I love climbing trees
4. I like to have my cake and eat it too (both literally and figuratively) and i usually do and it screws me over
5. I'm 4'10 at 18 years old
6. Turning guys on makes me feel powerful and in control, even more so than restricting
7. I gave up my virginity at 17 because i'm convinced I'm going to get raped because i'm so small and trusting and i wanted to make sure i got to choose who got my virginity
8. I weight 9lbs less than my younger sister of the same height, which makes sense because she's always acted like the older sister
9. A guy once told me he cut himself because of me
10. I go to an all girls school
1. I had my first kiss at 4 yrs old with a kid who is now a man whore
2. I screwed myself over by falling in love in sophomore year
3. I love climbing trees
4. I like to have my cake and eat it too (both literally and figuratively) and i usually do and it screws me over
5. I'm 4'10 at 18 years old
6. Turning guys on makes me feel powerful and in control, even more so than restricting
7. I gave up my virginity at 17 because i'm convinced I'm going to get raped because i'm so small and trusting and i wanted to make sure i got to choose who got my virginity
8. I weight 9lbs less than my younger sister of the same height, which makes sense because she's always acted like the older sister
9. A guy once told me he cut himself because of me
10. I go to an all girls school
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
is it wrong...
is it wrong that i really want to hang with lh because i know hanging with him all day will keep me away from food? honestly i'd be 95 by now if i just hung out with him every day...
Disappointing day
Consumed:
Breakfast: rest of skinny vanilla latte from yesterday, 2 pieces of wheat toast w/ strawberry jam
Lunch: ---
Snack:Old coffee i found left in the pot w/ skim milk and sprinkle of chocolate powder
Dinner:Spaghetti w/ sauce meatballs and red pepper
Binge: Pizza and apple with peanutbutter
Workout:
Step machine:20 min
Rowing:idk
Abs
Ugh i hate that i binged and didn't burn enough calories today. I'm such a fat pig!
I wanna be 95 by February 5th (the dance). I'm fluctuating between 103 and 100 right now, but with days like today i'll never make it there =(. I really need to step up by game.
I have eighteen days. That should be totally doable, right?
Wish me luck xo
stay well
stay strong
yimp
Breakfast: rest of skinny vanilla latte from yesterday, 2 pieces of wheat toast w/ strawberry jam
Lunch: ---
Snack:Old coffee i found left in the pot w/ skim milk and sprinkle of chocolate powder
Dinner:Spaghetti w/ sauce meatballs and red pepper
Binge: Pizza and apple with peanutbutter
Workout:
Step machine:20 min
Rowing:idk
Abs
Ugh i hate that i binged and didn't burn enough calories today. I'm such a fat pig!
I wanna be 95 by February 5th (the dance). I'm fluctuating between 103 and 100 right now, but with days like today i'll never make it there =(. I really need to step up by game.
I have eighteen days. That should be totally doable, right?
Wish me luck xo
stay well
stay strong
yimp
Monday, January 17, 2011
Family Day
So last night me and the young one talked on the phone until 4 in the morning. He ended up asking me to the dance that is next month meaning i have even more motivation to drop pounds.
Today my family is having a family day because my dad is off work. While i was doing handstands my mom asked me if i weighed myself lately. I lied "Nope, why?" "Because you look like you've lost alot of weight" "Really? I don't think so, i think its just the shirt" "Hm maybe but like your collar bone..." "i've been doing push ups." "oh that's probably it" "mhm". end of discussion thank goodness. other than that close call family day has actually been pretty fun. we played a card game and i won three out of four times. It was great because i had been losing at cards all weekend.
I didn't make it to the gym today but I'm not too worried about it. Today i've had coffee and then half of a skinny vanilla latte. I was really shocked when i realized i couldn't finish the whole thing, but I was really happy about it because it probably means my stomach is shrinking.
back to school tomorrow blah.
<3
stay well
stay strong
yimp
Today my family is having a family day because my dad is off work. While i was doing handstands my mom asked me if i weighed myself lately. I lied "Nope, why?" "Because you look like you've lost alot of weight" "Really? I don't think so, i think its just the shirt" "Hm maybe but like your collar bone..." "i've been doing push ups." "oh that's probably it" "mhm". end of discussion thank goodness. other than that close call family day has actually been pretty fun. we played a card game and i won three out of four times. It was great because i had been losing at cards all weekend.
I didn't make it to the gym today but I'm not too worried about it. Today i've had coffee and then half of a skinny vanilla latte. I was really shocked when i realized i couldn't finish the whole thing, but I was really happy about it because it probably means my stomach is shrinking.
back to school tomorrow blah.
<3
stay well
stay strong
yimp
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Binge and Friend stuff
For some reason I'm not mad at myself for binging tonight. This worries me, so in hopes of disgusting myself I am going to write down everything i ate.
apple w/ peanutbutter
popcorn
multigrain pringles
waffle w/ strawberry jam
waffle w/ strawberry jam
yogurt covered preztels
waffle w/ peanutbutter and chocolate chips
plain waffle
why don't i feel more ashamed? this sucks.
in other news sara seems to be in a sorta off depressed mood, she's stated to me that she feels off and i want to be able to help her, but i don't know how. advice? she's not sure why she's in the mood so she cant really explain it to me for me to help. today she texted me while we were at our friends and said she felt alone in a room full of people. I didn't know what to say back and felt like such a bad friend =(
apple w/ peanutbutter
popcorn
multigrain pringles
waffle w/ strawberry jam
waffle w/ strawberry jam
yogurt covered preztels
waffle w/ peanutbutter and chocolate chips
plain waffle
why don't i feel more ashamed? this sucks.
in other news sara seems to be in a sorta off depressed mood, she's stated to me that she feels off and i want to be able to help her, but i don't know how. advice? she's not sure why she's in the mood so she cant really explain it to me for me to help. today she texted me while we were at our friends and said she felt alone in a room full of people. I didn't know what to say back and felt like such a bad friend =(
I'm feeling pretty good today. I'm still covered in fat, but i weighed myself at 101lbs =) (46 kilo)
Most of it is probably water weight but weight is weight in my eyes.
Today's gym session felt pretty good
Tonight I'm going over to one of my guy friends house to hang with whoever shows up there. It will be a good time. I'm being really open with my non eating thing with my guy friends right now. I'm trying to make them immune to it. Like on my date I just told the young one that I just don't do food. He eventually accepted it and everything was fine. My guy friend asked me if he should order pizza tonight and i told him i wasn't the person to ask about food because i wasn't going to eat it and we moved on. The girls are a little bit harder, last night sara wanted to go to udf so we went and i got a lowfat strawberry malt, she gave me a hard time about getting lowfat and when i got home i gave the rest to my dad (making up an excuse about how he loves their malts (which is true) and i just wanted to be a good daughter (half true)) and she made another comment about it.
Right now my biggest fear is losing noticeable weight and my dad's side of the family seeing me and saying something to my parents about it. My family probably wont notice because they see me every day, but the family that doesn't might catch on. All i can think is that I'll just tell them that I've been eating healthier and working out more. Which is not a total lie..just not the total truth either. I'm really good at not telling all the truth.
Like i haven't told sara about my date, but that's less about just keeping it from her and feeling like i'm bragging if i bring it up randomly. I thought about mentioning on our car right to our friends house tonight, but the young one called asking for a ride too so that's not going to happen.
Mmm i love coffee <3 ha. Alright the Book Thief calls, so i guess i'll end this hear
stay well
stay positive
stay strong
yimp
Most of it is probably water weight but weight is weight in my eyes.
Today's gym session felt pretty good
- 1hr hill workout=287 cal
- 20 min stair master = 200
- abs
- 14 min jog= forgot to look
- 20 min hill workout = forgot to look
Tonight I'm going over to one of my guy friends house to hang with whoever shows up there. It will be a good time. I'm being really open with my non eating thing with my guy friends right now. I'm trying to make them immune to it. Like on my date I just told the young one that I just don't do food. He eventually accepted it and everything was fine. My guy friend asked me if he should order pizza tonight and i told him i wasn't the person to ask about food because i wasn't going to eat it and we moved on. The girls are a little bit harder, last night sara wanted to go to udf so we went and i got a lowfat strawberry malt, she gave me a hard time about getting lowfat and when i got home i gave the rest to my dad (making up an excuse about how he loves their malts (which is true) and i just wanted to be a good daughter (half true)) and she made another comment about it.
Right now my biggest fear is losing noticeable weight and my dad's side of the family seeing me and saying something to my parents about it. My family probably wont notice because they see me every day, but the family that doesn't might catch on. All i can think is that I'll just tell them that I've been eating healthier and working out more. Which is not a total lie..just not the total truth either. I'm really good at not telling all the truth.
Like i haven't told sara about my date, but that's less about just keeping it from her and feeling like i'm bragging if i bring it up randomly. I thought about mentioning on our car right to our friends house tonight, but the young one called asking for a ride too so that's not going to happen.
Mmm i love coffee <3 ha. Alright the Book Thief calls, so i guess i'll end this hear
stay well
stay positive
stay strong
yimp
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The Date and other things
So last night my friend and i got lost, it was fun until we started getting into these bad areas. We started freaking out but didnt want to call our parents, so who do we call? The lovely hurt. He picked up and said he didn't really know the area but that he would google it for us and direct us using that. It was really sweet. But its horrible knowing that he's one of the best people to call in a sticky situation because rather than coming back with just 'that sucks your screw' he actually tries to help.
Today i woke up early to work out, i did the stair master it was amazing. I did it for 25 min and burned 270 cals, it made me so happy because i thought i would only burn 100 today because i had to keep my workout really short due to my date later that morning.
The date was really sweet, the young one was a gentleman holding doors and taking me coat and he even asked if it would be alright if he could hold my hand. It was a really nice time and we talked the entire time and never had an awkward silence moment.
I'm actually seeing him later tonight. Its been like a full day of him which is fine by me.
I did really well with eating today. I had coffee for breakfast and didn't eat again until dinner for which i had some peas and a small piece of chicken. I'm having people over tonight so i don't plan on eating again. 2m is my eat whatever i want as long as it is healthy day, i hope i'm able to stick to it. I'll also do a long workout in order to keep me away from the house and food.
Stay well
stay strong
yimp
Today i woke up early to work out, i did the stair master it was amazing. I did it for 25 min and burned 270 cals, it made me so happy because i thought i would only burn 100 today because i had to keep my workout really short due to my date later that morning.
The date was really sweet, the young one was a gentleman holding doors and taking me coat and he even asked if it would be alright if he could hold my hand. It was a really nice time and we talked the entire time and never had an awkward silence moment.
I'm actually seeing him later tonight. Its been like a full day of him which is fine by me.
I did really well with eating today. I had coffee for breakfast and didn't eat again until dinner for which i had some peas and a small piece of chicken. I'm having people over tonight so i don't plan on eating again. 2m is my eat whatever i want as long as it is healthy day, i hope i'm able to stick to it. I'll also do a long workout in order to keep me away from the house and food.
Stay well
stay strong
yimp
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Ahhh =) =)
I'm going on a date with the young one on saturday!!!
And not only that but its a double date with the two cutest people that really need to get together because i just love them together.
I am so freaking excited and nervous.
=)
And not only that but its a double date with the two cutest people that really need to get together because i just love them together.
I am so freaking excited and nervous.
=)
Consumed =(
Hot Choc-60 cal
Toast-140 cal
Apple w/ peanutbutter - 130 cal?
Choc Iceing =( - 110 cal?
Hot Choc-60 cal
Total-500
2 hours of walking hill workout
Total-500
Evened out...still not happy about that icing tho.. =(
Toast-140 cal
Apple w/ peanutbutter - 130 cal?
Choc Iceing =( - 110 cal?
Hot Choc-60 cal
Total-500
2 hours of walking hill workout
Total-500
Evened out...still not happy about that icing tho.. =(
Never thought this would happen...
I might actually have to force myself to eat.
Right now I really want to puke upon some realizations and a whirling mind
In other news today my workout was two hours of walking on the treadmill doing the hill workout. I was also going to do the stairs too but this other lady was on it. She was so thin like thinspiration thin, which made me even more jealous she was on the steps because maybe that is what helped her be so thin...
Right now I really want to puke upon some realizations and a whirling mind
- every guy i've gone out with looks so young compared to the lovely hurt
- it makes me feel like i can't do better than him
- i was doing so good at being done with him
- even worse maybe he wasn't as great as i thought
- losing this view of someone hurts like hell
- maybe i can't actually get guys like i thought i could
- maybe i can only get losers
- i need to lose my fat NOW so i can feel good about myself
- if i eat anything im inhibiting myself from being thin
- if i don't eat anything my metabolism wont get that boost which also inhibits me being thin
- guys might actually like curvy girls
- but i wont be happy if im not thin
- but if im too thin i might not get guys anymore
- what if im too thin and people catch on
- and my parent dont let me go away to college
- and im stuck here forever
- falling for the lovely hurt
- as he finds prettier girls
- etc....
In other news today my workout was two hours of walking on the treadmill doing the hill workout. I was also going to do the stairs too but this other lady was on it. She was so thin like thinspiration thin, which made me even more jealous she was on the steps because maybe that is what helped her be so thin...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
so..
so the whole not eating thing today was a fail.
okay new idea...during the week ill do hours, meaning i'll see how many hours i can go without food after i eat breakfast and bit by bit i'll extend those hours until i am fully in control of when i eat.
during the weekend (starting friday) i'll divide it three ways, one day i get to eat whatever i want (this day is reserved for days when my friends want to have binge fests so that they dont get worried) one day i'll do the hour thing and the other day i'll eat whenever i want but only healthy foods
i think knowing one day im allowed to eat whatever i want will keep me from binging through out the week.
the only exceptions are dates or family/friend food gatherings that i can't get out of but i should still try to stick to salads for those
wish me luck
im going to need it
ill probably binge tonight and start 2m
blah
okay new idea...during the week ill do hours, meaning i'll see how many hours i can go without food after i eat breakfast and bit by bit i'll extend those hours until i am fully in control of when i eat.
during the weekend (starting friday) i'll divide it three ways, one day i get to eat whatever i want (this day is reserved for days when my friends want to have binge fests so that they dont get worried) one day i'll do the hour thing and the other day i'll eat whenever i want but only healthy foods
i think knowing one day im allowed to eat whatever i want will keep me from binging through out the week.
the only exceptions are dates or family/friend food gatherings that i can't get out of but i should still try to stick to salads for those
wish me luck
im going to need it
ill probably binge tonight and start 2m
blah
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
today was bad
i ate so much junk today it was horrible. just thinking about it makes me sick. and i'm not going to purge it because i'm done with that i think
luckily 2m should be easier because i'm babysitting all day. let's just say i'll probably try to do a food fast 2m. i won't be able to make it to the gym but i'd rather not work out and not eat all day instead of eat and workout.
luckily 2m should be easier because i'm babysitting all day. let's just say i'll probably try to do a food fast 2m. i won't be able to make it to the gym but i'd rather not work out and not eat all day instead of eat and workout.
Why I Hate and Love Snow Days
apparently there is a big storm hitting, so we had a snow day today. I love being able to sleep in and not having to be at school. Yet when it comes to eating, Snow Days are hell because i'm stuck inside with nothing to do and my sisters favorite past time on snow days is making delicious fatty bake goods.
ah help help help
i no im going to break my diet plan today
stay strong
stay well
pray for me
ah help help help
i no im going to break my diet plan today
stay strong
stay well
pray for me
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
the good:
the young one asked me out on another date
ive been good at sticking to my eating plan today
got a warning instead of a ticket
the bad:
yet again i cant go with the young one due to the fact that that i have school 2m and i'm scared he'll give up on me
i got pulled over today for running a stop sign tho i swear i didn't run it
i didnt do my full work out today
the ugly:
my stomach isn't flat
my thighs still touch
104.5 pounds
generally im in a good mood today even though i want to eat so bad right now, its taking all of my will power.
i am really excited that the young one is still interested in me, it gives me motivation to become thin so i can keep him interested. because he's younger hes not as big as other guys which means i have to be thinner for him than i would be for other guys. i wont stay with a guy unless i feel tiny in his arms, and its even better is he can fit one arm around my waist. the lh could do that because he's so tall, and i really liked that.
speaking of the lovely hurt i woke up with 21 texts him this morning, they were actually really nice. and just about how he'll always love me even though he tells himself that he needs to get over me and that he hopes i find a bf soon because i deserve to have a really good one and then he can stop feeling terrible about ruining my senior year. he says he wants me to have the best, most fun and happy life i can have esp before everything changes next year. it was really sweet i thought.
life is life if nothing else. i gotta live it one calorie at at time haha jk
stay strong
stay well
youre in my prayers
the young one asked me out on another date
ive been good at sticking to my eating plan today
got a warning instead of a ticket
the bad:
yet again i cant go with the young one due to the fact that that i have school 2m and i'm scared he'll give up on me
i got pulled over today for running a stop sign tho i swear i didn't run it
i didnt do my full work out today
the ugly:
my stomach isn't flat
my thighs still touch
104.5 pounds
generally im in a good mood today even though i want to eat so bad right now, its taking all of my will power.
i am really excited that the young one is still interested in me, it gives me motivation to become thin so i can keep him interested. because he's younger hes not as big as other guys which means i have to be thinner for him than i would be for other guys. i wont stay with a guy unless i feel tiny in his arms, and its even better is he can fit one arm around my waist. the lh could do that because he's so tall, and i really liked that.
speaking of the lovely hurt i woke up with 21 texts him this morning, they were actually really nice. and just about how he'll always love me even though he tells himself that he needs to get over me and that he hopes i find a bf soon because i deserve to have a really good one and then he can stop feeling terrible about ruining my senior year. he says he wants me to have the best, most fun and happy life i can have esp before everything changes next year. it was really sweet i thought.
life is life if nothing else. i gotta live it one calorie at at time haha jk
stay strong
stay well
youre in my prayers
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Eh..
Conusmed:
apple juice
whole grain toast
apple w/ pb
piece of gum
chili with spg and cheese
ice cream
apple w/ pb
Workout:
30 min slow run
Today was pretty disappointing =( i ate too much and burned to little. I'll def try again tomorrow. I havent heard from the young one in two days. I'm trying to follow my own advice and not text him, he has to make the next move. I refuse to let myself rush into things.
In other news i finally got to watch pretty little liars. I forgot how much i love that show. Its so creepy and exciting and the girls are great thinspiration.
stay positive
stay strong
your in my prayers
apple juice
whole grain toast
apple w/ pb
piece of gum
chili with spg and cheese
ice cream
apple w/ pb
Workout:
30 min slow run
Today was pretty disappointing =( i ate too much and burned to little. I'll def try again tomorrow. I havent heard from the young one in two days. I'm trying to follow my own advice and not text him, he has to make the next move. I refuse to let myself rush into things.
In other news i finally got to watch pretty little liars. I forgot how much i love that show. Its so creepy and exciting and the girls are great thinspiration.
stay positive
stay strong
your in my prayers
Saturday, January 8, 2011
This Weeks Diet Plan
So i've decided every Saturday i'll try to post up my eating plan for the week and keep you guys posted on how im doing at following it...im hoping it will help me stick to it.
Sunday-Juice, slice of wheat toast, apple w/ pb, and small portions of what my family has for dinner
Monday-hot choc (w/ water is about 60 cals and the only way to get me up for school, tho im hoping to get that carnation instant breakfast stuff to warm up and use as my hot choc...does anyone else have any ideas of a healthy substitute for hot choc, it has to be warm and filling and i dont like hot tea and im not allowed to drink coffee during the week), yogurt, dinner
Tuesday-hot choc, banana, dinner
Wednesday- hot choc, toast, apple w/ pb, dinner, tea
Thursday- hot choc, banana, dinner, tea
Friday - hot choc, yogurt, dinner
Saturday - Juice, cereal, apple w/ pb, dinner
*foods i have can whenever i want*
water
tea
lettuce
*i think most of my calories will come from dinner which is when my parents will be watching my eating the most
*if i dont have it i dont get to eat it
*i am the calories i consume
Sunday-Juice, slice of wheat toast, apple w/ pb, and small portions of what my family has for dinner
Monday-hot choc (w/ water is about 60 cals and the only way to get me up for school, tho im hoping to get that carnation instant breakfast stuff to warm up and use as my hot choc...does anyone else have any ideas of a healthy substitute for hot choc, it has to be warm and filling and i dont like hot tea and im not allowed to drink coffee during the week), yogurt, dinner
Tuesday-hot choc, banana, dinner
Wednesday- hot choc, toast, apple w/ pb, dinner, tea
Thursday- hot choc, banana, dinner, tea
Friday - hot choc, yogurt, dinner
Saturday - Juice, cereal, apple w/ pb, dinner
*foods i have can whenever i want*
water
tea
lettuce
*i think most of my calories will come from dinner which is when my parents will be watching my eating the most
*if i dont have it i dont get to eat it
*i am the calories i consume
Friday, January 7, 2011
Tonights Adventures
So i was suppose to go out to dinner tonight with my bff. My sister and other friends were attending a school dance that i refuse to go to because i hate dances. It started snowing today and the streets ending up getting bad and traffic was horrible so my bff couldn't hang out. I decided to go with my parents to drop my sister off at the restaurant that she was meeting some of her friends at before the dance. I knew my friends were also going there so i was hoping to maybe run into them and say hey and chat for a little. My family decided to go in with my sister and wait for the rest of her group arrive but one by one they canceled because of the bad weather until it was only her and one other girl there.
My friends arrived and i chatted with them for a while and they told us that we should come sit with them because some of their people canceled too so they had open spots, since my parents were now the ride for my sister and the other girl i was stuck there, because my parents decided to have dinner there. I felt really awkward like i was intruding on their dinner (my friends). Esp because sara was there and the young one was her date. he ended up sitting across from me and kept talking to me, i felt terrible. I would give him one would answers in hopes that he would stop trying and focus all of his attention on sara instead because every time he would give me attention she would get a mad look on her face. Finally we were able to leave, when i got up the young one kept looking like he wanted to give me a hug, but there was no way i was going to let that happen, so i pretty much ignored it and just gave sara a big one...and then sent him a text apologizing for being standoffish.
The drive to the dance took twice as long as usual because of the massive traffic but we finally got the girls to the dance and now im stuck at home because the roads are too ridiculous for me to feel like attempting. i think i might start reading the book thief.
i've eaten horribly today, tho i was proud of myself and didn't eat at the restaurant, i've taken 3 diet pills even tho you are only suppose to take two and ill probably take another one before i go to bed. i didn't go the gym but ill definitly be going 2m. i need to get myself back to where i was during xmas break.
<3 stay strong dears
My friends arrived and i chatted with them for a while and they told us that we should come sit with them because some of their people canceled too so they had open spots, since my parents were now the ride for my sister and the other girl i was stuck there, because my parents decided to have dinner there. I felt really awkward like i was intruding on their dinner (my friends). Esp because sara was there and the young one was her date. he ended up sitting across from me and kept talking to me, i felt terrible. I would give him one would answers in hopes that he would stop trying and focus all of his attention on sara instead because every time he would give me attention she would get a mad look on her face. Finally we were able to leave, when i got up the young one kept looking like he wanted to give me a hug, but there was no way i was going to let that happen, so i pretty much ignored it and just gave sara a big one...and then sent him a text apologizing for being standoffish.
The drive to the dance took twice as long as usual because of the massive traffic but we finally got the girls to the dance and now im stuck at home because the roads are too ridiculous for me to feel like attempting. i think i might start reading the book thief.
i've eaten horribly today, tho i was proud of myself and didn't eat at the restaurant, i've taken 3 diet pills even tho you are only suppose to take two and ill probably take another one before i go to bed. i didn't go the gym but ill definitly be going 2m. i need to get myself back to where i was during xmas break.
<3 stay strong dears
what i wish i could tell you
sometimes i type out texts i never send or think of words ill never say, this is what i wish i could say sometimes...
i hate my body
i hate the body you gave me
i hate my height
i feel gross
i want to take a knife to my stomach so i can open it and scoop out all the fat
i cant love you because i dont love myself
i get scared when i have to eat
i cant control what i eat sometimes its the worst feeling
i take diet pills
i take too many diet pills
i hate myself when i dont exercise
i know im hurting myself but id rather hurt myself trying than live my life looking like this
i want to tell my loved ones this and so much more, but i can't. and i never will.
today has been a bad day, feeling wise. other than that its been great. but i feel like shit and look like shit and have eaten shit and havent and arent going to work out today. i just feel like a disgusting pig. i want to curl up in a ball in a baggy sweatshirt. i hate myself. i hate feeling like grossness. i hate all of this.
hope you girls are having a better day than me lol
stay well
yimp
i hate my body
i hate the body you gave me
i hate my height
i feel gross
i want to take a knife to my stomach so i can open it and scoop out all the fat
i cant love you because i dont love myself
i get scared when i have to eat
i cant control what i eat sometimes its the worst feeling
i take diet pills
i take too many diet pills
i hate myself when i dont exercise
i know im hurting myself but id rather hurt myself trying than live my life looking like this
i want to tell my loved ones this and so much more, but i can't. and i never will.
today has been a bad day, feeling wise. other than that its been great. but i feel like shit and look like shit and have eaten shit and havent and arent going to work out today. i just feel like a disgusting pig. i want to curl up in a ball in a baggy sweatshirt. i hate myself. i hate feeling like grossness. i hate all of this.
hope you girls are having a better day than me lol
stay well
yimp
Thursday, January 6, 2011
I always land on my feet
So today has been bliss
*i got a 97 on my precal test
*my english teacher agreed to let me turn in a short story for extra points
*i got new shoes (flats with a sort of fur in them)
*my sister got new heels that are half mine cause they were expensive and they make my legs look amazing which is crazy because i hate my legs
*i had a good work out even tho i had to switch my days because i went shopping and didn't have enough time for an hour run
*i got my period today (i always welcome it if i've had sex)
*and honestly im just feeling good about myself and life
food wise i didn't do too good today, i ate a ton earlier today and three blueberry bagels. sigh. but at least i've got my period so hopefully i'll start getting back on track with eating.
i'm excited for the weekend. i dont know what i just have a good feeling.
<3 stay well my friends <3
live life that way you want not as people tell you
*i got a 97 on my precal test
*my english teacher agreed to let me turn in a short story for extra points
*i got new shoes (flats with a sort of fur in them)
*my sister got new heels that are half mine cause they were expensive and they make my legs look amazing which is crazy because i hate my legs
*i had a good work out even tho i had to switch my days because i went shopping and didn't have enough time for an hour run
*i got my period today (i always welcome it if i've had sex)
*and honestly im just feeling good about myself and life
food wise i didn't do too good today, i ate a ton earlier today and three blueberry bagels. sigh. but at least i've got my period so hopefully i'll start getting back on track with eating.
i'm excited for the weekend. i dont know what i just have a good feeling.
<3 stay well my friends <3
live life that way you want not as people tell you
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
giving up on food for the week
i've been doing great at keeping up with my workouts. this is the longest in a row ive actually done exactly what i said i was going to do =)
however my eating has been a wreck this week. i decided i'll let myself get use to the new working out this week and focus on my eating next week. that seems fair...
anyways my boy drama is at the minimum now which is great. things are chill with the young one just some flirting and things are nice with the lovely hurt. i think he gets nervous when i start talking to new guys cause it makes him realize he does have competition. he even admitted once that he always wants me more when he cant have me. or feels threaten by another guy. last night he was being all lovey over text. which was sweet cause it makes me feel more secure.
school is destroying me right now, well mainly english. i have so much work piled up and my grade arent all the great =( but oh well school is one of those things you just do what you need to do and everything works out because you dont have to worry about other people just yourself. so i need to buckle down
have a great day everyone
feel strong
be strong
your in my prayers (even if you dont believe in that stuff i think prayers are nice no matter what)
however my eating has been a wreck this week. i decided i'll let myself get use to the new working out this week and focus on my eating next week. that seems fair...
anyways my boy drama is at the minimum now which is great. things are chill with the young one just some flirting and things are nice with the lovely hurt. i think he gets nervous when i start talking to new guys cause it makes him realize he does have competition. he even admitted once that he always wants me more when he cant have me. or feels threaten by another guy. last night he was being all lovey over text. which was sweet cause it makes me feel more secure.
school is destroying me right now, well mainly english. i have so much work piled up and my grade arent all the great =( but oh well school is one of those things you just do what you need to do and everything works out because you dont have to worry about other people just yourself. so i need to buckle down
have a great day everyone
feel strong
be strong
your in my prayers (even if you dont believe in that stuff i think prayers are nice no matter what)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
STARVING...and oh ya he sorta asked me out...
I hate this pre periodness. I'm suppose to start soon...im praying i start soon. Im constantly eating and am really bloated..this happens everytime and i hate it! I become even more of a disgusting pig and cant control myself with food. Im not even hungry persay and yet i feel like i just have to eat and eat and eat. UGH. why is my body doing this to me??
so the young guy called me tonight and asked me if i wanted to go to his uncles with him on saturday. luckily i have a family party that night and cant go. but seriously what am i going to do? i think its super sweet he actually called to ask when most guys these days text it and i woudnt mind going on some dates with him, but i cant go out with him. crap crap crap
so i just talked to sara =) she apparently had a feeling he liked because he had asked her where i was or something idk... but anyways she also said she wasn't totally sure how she felt about him so shes not too worried if anything goes on between me and him =) happy happy happy
so the young guy called me tonight and asked me if i wanted to go to his uncles with him on saturday. luckily i have a family party that night and cant go. but seriously what am i going to do? i think its super sweet he actually called to ask when most guys these days text it and i woudnt mind going on some dates with him, but i cant go out with him. crap crap crap
so i just talked to sara =) she apparently had a feeling he liked because he had asked her where i was or something idk... but anyways she also said she wasn't totally sure how she felt about him so shes not too worried if anything goes on between me and him =) happy happy happy
Monday, January 3, 2011
Bagels = the death of me, Feelings I hate
dear bagels
why were you invented? you are so delicious and i cant help myself but to eat one, or two, maybe three... well shit i've already screwed myself over i might as well eat another one so i have less to binge on tomorrow. sigh. whether you're blueberry, multigrain or walnut cranberry i will eat you until you are all gone. Bagels, you ruin any chance i have to not be a fat lard for the rest of my fucking life. I HATE YOU and yet i love you with every fiber of my being. But why? You are merely bread. Some wheat, some flour, some misc ingredients. You offer me nothing but pain. So why do i insist on having you?
I hate that deep emotional feeling. The one that is sitting at the bottom of your throat - - choking - -. The one that makes you sit mindless...thoughtless...because you are consumed by this deep feeling.
The Lovely Hurt sent me this song today, said it was his new song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICaTsTkBPV8
well
i ate a fucking amount today
i blame the pre periodness
so i say fuck it today
im eating
why were you invented? you are so delicious and i cant help myself but to eat one, or two, maybe three... well shit i've already screwed myself over i might as well eat another one so i have less to binge on tomorrow. sigh. whether you're blueberry, multigrain or walnut cranberry i will eat you until you are all gone. Bagels, you ruin any chance i have to not be a fat lard for the rest of my fucking life. I HATE YOU and yet i love you with every fiber of my being. But why? You are merely bread. Some wheat, some flour, some misc ingredients. You offer me nothing but pain. So why do i insist on having you?
I hate that deep emotional feeling. The one that is sitting at the bottom of your throat - - choking - -. The one that makes you sit mindless...thoughtless...because you are consumed by this deep feeling.
The Lovely Hurt sent me this song today, said it was his new song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICaTsTkBPV8
well
i ate a fucking amount today
i blame the pre periodness
so i say fuck it today
im eating
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Par-tee and a lil bit of drama...
Par-tee!!
first i went to the bestie's house, we got ready and complained about how we wished we could just lounge around and not go out that night, but of course we had to see everyone. She decided she wanted to come with me to the parties instead of me just dropping her off at her other friends drinking party. First we went to my parents where i changed because i looked like a whore in my dress, i changed into leggings and super short flowy dress with my five inch stilettos. I wanted to wait until my aunt and cousins got there but they were taking a long time so we ended up leaving to go to my one of my friends from grade schools party. it was lame so we stayed for half hour max and then went back to my house to see my aunt. i love my aunt so much. she's not my real aunt anymore because she and my uncle got a divorce, but honestly she knows more about my than my dad's brother. she's scared to lose us because we are practically her family, so she works hard at keeping us close. she's really down to earth and is always ready to talk and lend an ear, esp if i want an adult opinion that isn't my parents. after my house we went to saras, which was awesome. there werent many people there but the few who were there were wonderful. we took a 'family picture' which is a tradition with that group it turned out really cute. eventually we left and decided to stop in at my bffs family party at her grandmas because she lives by sara. i enjoyed my time there, her family is really nice. eventually we made to melissas. it was super awkward so we ended up bailing with my bff's boyfriend and going back to saras. a couple more people had arrived and we started the new year off classy...with some sparkling grape juice lol =)
the drama:
sara and my friend becca both had a crush on this guy we will call him...Baby, because he skipped a grade making him a year younger than us (this is the guy that i went ice skating with along with south carolina and his sister) Well Becca decided to back off because she figured she wouldnt have a chance since sara is amazing both in looks and personality, plus she started hanging with a different group. sara still has a thing for him and is taking him to our schools dance. i think he's a super sweet guy, he's the real gentleman type. we'll talk when we hang out and lately we've messaged on fb. well tonight he talked to me alot and kept asking my opinion on everything. i try not to flirt with him too much but i'm really just a flirty person by nature...plus having this guy actually like me would be an honor because ALOT of girls have liked him (four of my friends have and they arent even all in the same group) but i didn't think he'd ever actually like me or act like it if he did.
but tonight he messaged me after getting back from saras, to make sure i didn't take offense to some joking comment he said about me dressing slutty or something, i don't really remember it so it couldnt have been that bad. but anyways we were talking and he ended up saying he thought it was cute how short i was, and that he wished i was going to the dance because itd be more fun, and he thinks it will be weird because he nos sara likes him but he doesn't like her back and he asked for my number etc etc.
he hasn't said he likes me or anything, so hopefully i'm being cocky and he actually doesn't. i'm sure this whole thing sounds really grade school, but it just makes me nervous. i love to flirt, even with guys i don't want to get with. he's super fun and easy to talk to you so flirting with him comes really natural. but obviously i don't want to hurt sara at all. i want to be able to keep talking to him and i won't be able to do that if he actually says he likes me. because as bad as i am about putting girlfriends before boys, i have to put sara first.
first i went to the bestie's house, we got ready and complained about how we wished we could just lounge around and not go out that night, but of course we had to see everyone. She decided she wanted to come with me to the parties instead of me just dropping her off at her other friends drinking party. First we went to my parents where i changed because i looked like a whore in my dress, i changed into leggings and super short flowy dress with my five inch stilettos. I wanted to wait until my aunt and cousins got there but they were taking a long time so we ended up leaving to go to my one of my friends from grade schools party. it was lame so we stayed for half hour max and then went back to my house to see my aunt. i love my aunt so much. she's not my real aunt anymore because she and my uncle got a divorce, but honestly she knows more about my than my dad's brother. she's scared to lose us because we are practically her family, so she works hard at keeping us close. she's really down to earth and is always ready to talk and lend an ear, esp if i want an adult opinion that isn't my parents. after my house we went to saras, which was awesome. there werent many people there but the few who were there were wonderful. we took a 'family picture' which is a tradition with that group it turned out really cute. eventually we left and decided to stop in at my bffs family party at her grandmas because she lives by sara. i enjoyed my time there, her family is really nice. eventually we made to melissas. it was super awkward so we ended up bailing with my bff's boyfriend and going back to saras. a couple more people had arrived and we started the new year off classy...with some sparkling grape juice lol =)
the drama:
sara and my friend becca both had a crush on this guy we will call him...Baby, because he skipped a grade making him a year younger than us (this is the guy that i went ice skating with along with south carolina and his sister) Well Becca decided to back off because she figured she wouldnt have a chance since sara is amazing both in looks and personality, plus she started hanging with a different group. sara still has a thing for him and is taking him to our schools dance. i think he's a super sweet guy, he's the real gentleman type. we'll talk when we hang out and lately we've messaged on fb. well tonight he talked to me alot and kept asking my opinion on everything. i try not to flirt with him too much but i'm really just a flirty person by nature...plus having this guy actually like me would be an honor because ALOT of girls have liked him (four of my friends have and they arent even all in the same group) but i didn't think he'd ever actually like me or act like it if he did.
but tonight he messaged me after getting back from saras, to make sure i didn't take offense to some joking comment he said about me dressing slutty or something, i don't really remember it so it couldnt have been that bad. but anyways we were talking and he ended up saying he thought it was cute how short i was, and that he wished i was going to the dance because itd be more fun, and he thinks it will be weird because he nos sara likes him but he doesn't like her back and he asked for my number etc etc.
he hasn't said he likes me or anything, so hopefully i'm being cocky and he actually doesn't. i'm sure this whole thing sounds really grade school, but it just makes me nervous. i love to flirt, even with guys i don't want to get with. he's super fun and easy to talk to you so flirting with him comes really natural. but obviously i don't want to hurt sara at all. i want to be able to keep talking to him and i won't be able to do that if he actually says he likes me. because as bad as i am about putting girlfriends before boys, i have to put sara first.
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