It's funny how i'm so okay with having these long deep talks with my mom about the hurt in this world and how some of my friends have emotional problems, and yet i could never tell her about my own.
I'm too scared. She'd be so embarassed. Because my family is pretty well known in out community she's very worried about how people precive her and her family. It's not like we have to be perfect, but she's a teacher so she has to be well respected and such. It's one of the reasons i wanna be thin. I wanna look perfect and be that perfect sweet, pretty and smart daughter of the catholic elementary teacher in a small urbanized area of Kentucky.
Maybe I'm more scared that she'd brush it off, she has a habit of liking to believe what she wants. It's not that she doesn't love us she just likes to pretend that we are as perfect as we come off. I think she knows I've had sex and gone far with the lovely hurt, but she'd never pry about it because she's too scared of the answers. My parents are smart, they know what i get into, i'm positive they do, but they just don't want to have to admit it to themselves. Which i love because it's easy to get away with things and lie to myself and them.
But sometimes i wish they would just see it. They would realize i'm fucked up. And they would force me to get help. Sometimes I'm so sick of feeling this way. But i realize if i ever actually told someone that didn't really "get it" that they would try to force me to change and then I'll lose the little bit of control i have.
I wrote a poem once and the lines at the end summed it up
"I'm scared you won't see it, won't help me
But even more than that, I'm scared you will"
It sounds like both a blessing and a curse, depending on what you want at the moment. I hope though, that if you ever decided to really go to her with help, that your mom would take it as seriously as you need her to.
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