Less Than A Week

Oh shit in less than a week I will be on the beach in a bikini with the boyfriend. SCARY!!!
I weighed myself tonight at 99.6 which is not terrible for the shit I have been eating but I really want to be 95 though I will settle for 98 at least for this trip. I keep eating so so so so so so so bad! I'm trying to make up for it with exercise but it's hard with the boy wanting to hang out all the time and me wanting to hang out with him too. Luckily tonight he had to close so hanging out wasn't an option. So I swam 100 laps, jogged/walked 10 miles, 500 abs and 100 squats.
As much as I like working out it is no substitute for eating well. Exercise will make me strong and toned which is nice but what good is muscle if it is hiding under all my fat? All it does is make me look fatter!!
Oh shit...I have less than a week. shit shit shit

Back From Vaca and Terrified for Weigh In

Just returned from my family vacation. I actually didn't eat too badly except for breakfasts. My breakfasts were very high carbs but then we would literally walk from 11am until 530pm when we would come back to freshen up for the evening during which time I would snack on some grapes. Around 6 we would start walking around again and ate dinner about 8  (which I ate a salad most nights except for last night where i messed up and ate some of my sisters french fries) and then walked more until about 11 or 12 when we returned to the hotel to sleep. Friday I was lucky and was able to squeeze an hour and a half of work out time. I ran 30 min, did 500 abs, did the cycle for 30 min at a cool down pace and then stretched. It was glorious. Despite being relatively good I'm terrified to weigh myself. I have to weigh myself tomorrow morning so I know what I'm working with this week and how much I need to drop before Saturday which is when I leave for my beach vacation.
I have never been this terrified to weigh myself. I just want to live in the dark and not admit to myself what a fat lard i am.

Beach Body: 3

In:
Yogurt w/ Fruit
Coffee
Poptarts
Tea

Out:
Abs
Lunges

Going to the park with the boy tonight. He works way too hard that's for sure, so I'm trying to plan a nice relaxing evening for the two of us. Today he told me that I keep him rounded and from taking life too seriously. I love that because that's exactly what I've always wanted to be for someone.

Ick the room is spinning. Stupid blood sugar.

Beach Body: 2

In

Blue Berry Pancakes

Apple

Coffee
Hamburger
Salad
Baked Beans
Apple

Out

Worked Birthday Party
10 Lunges
5 mile run
300 abs
30 min yoga

I have decided that being an event planner is a great job. While all the other ladies will be sitting around on their bums at their desks all day I will be running around getting things accomplished. Grant it I sweated up a storm today, so I didn't look too nice by the end of the work day. But who cares I was on my feet moving the whole time. Calories burnt =)

So I have a new idea. Maybe I can try myself to be done with a meal but always finishing my meal with an apple. Then once i'm trains to view my apple as the end of a meal I can eat the apple sooner and sooner and my body with automatically thing I've had a meal...or at least my mind will tell my fat self to not anymore after.It's worth a shot.

Beach Body: 1

Morning Weight: 102lbs

Food/Drink Intake: 

• Doughnut
• Skim Milk
• Water
• Cookie
• Pizza
• Ice Cream
• Coffee

Exercise:

• 90 Squats
• 80 Laps in pool

Tried to Purge because I'm a failure...I hate this.

Famous Last Words

Well I'm going to start getting back on track. Famous last words, right?
But for real, I have two weeks until my beach vacation where I'm hoping to basically live in my bikini for four days. I have no room to slack.Today I purged alot but I refuse to let that be how I fit into my bikinis because honestly for me I don't think it helps lose weight, it's more to keep me mentally sane after I eat terribly.
Starting Saturday morning (when I wake up) I am starting hardcore. This means weighing in at the start and end of each day and eating pure if anything at all. My work outs must be full out.
I want to be 95lbs by August 4th. I can fucking do this. I got to 98 without trying too hardcore so I know this is possible if I stick with it and this time I'm starting from 102 not 105.
14 days. Wish me luck

This Is Getting Ridiculous

Why why why why why why?? I knew this was going to happen. I jinxed it with my post about being 97 for a little bit! I was doing great and now I have completely gained back everything I lost.
I have a new plan tho. I really think drinking all the tea was helping to curve my food cravings so I am going to buy more today and establish a rule that I must drink four water bottles worth each day along with 4 bottles of water. I can only eat fruits, vegetables, yogurt, chicken and and eggs until my beach vacation in two weeks. I'm going to the beach with all my friends and boyfriend so i HAVE TO BE AT 95lbs!! This is ten pounds in two weeks so basically a pound a day, but I think I can do this. As long as I don't binge and work on keeping with my diet and work outs I can do this.
The one problem is I'll be on vacation for part of this, but hopefully I'll have somewhere to store my tea. If not it will be rough four days however avoiding snacking won't be as hard.
I saw this on a site to show how much 10 pounds can make on a short girl...i need to lose ten pounds NOW

Slacking

I don't know what is wrong with me I've been totally slacking. It is almost like I reached what I wanted and was like "Well now I know I can do it" and then went back to my old ways.
Another theory is that now that things have calmed down in my life I'm not on edge which is usually what helps keep me from eating because the nerves fill me.
Sky and I are officially going out and I spend so much time with him that my working out has taken a back seat but I'm determined to get back on schedule. I told him that I love hanging out with him but I can't keep not doing my work outs, he totally understood and said that as long as we got to hang out eventually he didn't care when in the day it was.
I don't know what I did to deserve him. Yesterday morning he called me his 'little firecracker' I adored it. It made me feel so spunky, plus I just love fireworks.
On the day we became FBO the EX texted me. I thought it was because of the new status but he never mentioned it. He was driving to his vacation spot with his family and had been listening to a tape that mentioned the area I live which caused him to start thinking about me. I kept it chill and said I was flattered that he was thinking about him. We left the conversation at that but being in contact with him froze my warm blood and I knew that I would start falling for him again if I didn't set things straight. I told him that I was seeing someone who I didn't want to lose and while I knew he met the texts friendly that I needed to tell him in order to make sure we kept our texts that way. The EX said he was happy for me and would leave me alone. I knew I would feel sick if I completely turned him away so I said it was okay for us to be friends as long as our friendship respected the fact that me and Sky are together. The EX was still reluctant since each time before I had dumped the guy I was seeing for him, but I clarified it for him that this time around we would not be seeing each other and we were not going to text all day long. We agreed that we could catch up every so often just like old friends, which is what I'm hoping we will be able to become. While I was talking to the EX about it I told Sky. This is also new for me because normally I just don't bring it up and do it behind the guys back, but I want to give me and Sky a true chance. I respect him. Yes sometimes I freak out because my love for EX was so strong and so upfront and easy. I really like Sky but it is different than it was with EX but then again I am different from when I met EX. I'm not fifteen anymore. I'm having all my firsts. Also I'm not sure why I'm so freaked out, my and EX didn't work out so I shouldn't want to it to feel the same.
I really just need to get my eating back on track =( Sky called me soft last night when he was rubbing my stomach and I know he was talking about my skin but all I kept thinking about was the my stomach was soft because I am fat fat fat fat fat fat. URGH.
Today I have had a low fat yogurt, and pop tarts = 480 cals
I'll either be swimming or running today and then i'll have dinner with the family. The goal is to not go above 1000 cals. I can do this.

Fuck

WHY DO I KEEP FUCKING BINGING???!!!

Time Will Tell

I had a terrible binge Tuesday night but luckily I worked 11-7 on Wednesday and was only able to eat breakfast and then a small dinner after I got back from the run. I didn't weigh myself that night but after my run I was 100.6lbs not terrible for having the binge.

I was suppose to have a best friend night last night (with our schedules we are forced to plan out hang time) but she got mad at me during the day because I said some stupid stuff about her boyfriend being from a different background, which is true but she thought I was trying to say I thought he was less than us which is not the case at all. I don't think someone is better than anyone else with how they were raised. Background is just background. It's like when you're telling a story and give them background so they understand why things happened as they did. I was just trying to explain that I understood why it was so hard for him to be okay with having to work all the time instead of seeing his friend where as we have accepted the fact since high school that we have to bust out butts for a couple of years so that we can live the life styles that our parents have shown us. She was very ticked and then had a bad day at work so she wasn't going to come over. I felt so bad I didn't mean for it to some out that way at all. She was eventually fine and ended up coming over late but I was glad she was able to see past my stupidness

Tonight I am hanging out with Sky and apparently he told my best friend  he is going to ask me to be official tonight. =) I want to be but I'm scared because even though I want it now I don't know what I'll want down at school.
Only time will tell.

If Only For A Moment: Aka Shifting Scales

So I weighed myself before my shower and I was 98.0lbs!!! That was my main goal for vacation!!
Then I weighed myself after my shower at 97.6lbs!!! I was so excited!
But then I decided to make sure it was right (I always go on twice to be sure its right) and this time it was 99.0lbs...then I did it again and it stayed with 99.0lbs I tried a third and the verdict is that I am 99.0lbs.
Oh well I'm still really happy with where I'm at and am happy I was at least at 98.0lbs if only for a moment.

Today and Yesterday

Yesterday was great. I weighed 99.8lbs, worked 5 hours, and went on a date with the new guy who will from here on be called Sky (based on the restaurant where he works haha) =)
Better yet I ate breakfast but when dinner time rolled around and my dad was really mad which caused a lot of tension at the table resulting in loss of appetite. So I had two carrot coins for dinner.
The only bad part is that I tried to run in the morning and had to stop after two miles because of the heat and also because of the date I didn't do the Pilates.
I have to do the pilates today is not run also.
It is only 730 and I have consumed so much!
yogurt with fruit
ice cream cone
ice cream sandwhich
poptarts
as long as i don't eat more thru out the day and am able to work out everything should be okay I hope.
I ate terrible today but ran 4.5 miles, did 200 abs, and a 45 min work out tape along with just hanging at the park with my friends so I was able to finish the day at 99.8lbs =)
oh and Sky kissed  me for the first time at the park today =)

Nice People?

Well i need to start being a little more careful. My mom told me today that my dad saying something about me not eating enough calories to sustain the work outs i do and that he can see it in my thinning face. It sucks that my face is the only thing thinning at this point. I looked at my bowl of yogurt and fruit and was like uhmm i totally eat. She took that and just said I might need to start eating more. Atleast she doesn't think I'm actually trying to drop the weight.

Maybe my weightloss is starting to show because people just seemed so much nicer today. I mean people are always nice, but they were extra nice today. I wonder if its that or i just feel better seeing the numbers drop so it puts me in a better mood resulting in a better mood for others.

So far I've had a bowl of yogurt with bananas and strawberries along with a cup of coffee. I'll probably wait to eat again until dinner.

I need to go for a run tonight but its about 104 degrees here so it's looking doubtful :/

Dinner today was three strawberries and a brownie not too too shabby, except I didn't go for the run like i was suppose to, so I'm pulling a double and running in the morning and then doing yoga and Pilates after.
I love that the new guy wants to hang out alot except that it makes it a little hard to work out like I was.

Today was a good day either way. I'm glad the summer is turning around for me. After Ohio broke us off I wasn't sure how i'd fair but I bounced back. Dropping pounds and finding a new guy all at once. I can be without him.

Playing Catch Up

Getting back into the swing of things. Woke up this morning at 100.6lbs
Coffee w/ skim milk
Lowfat Yogurt with Banana and Strawberry Slices

Was 103 after I ate this =(

Swam 60 laps at the pool
I'm a bit hungry so I'll probably have some green tea and if that doesn't help then an apple it is. It's too hot for anything else anyways. This is the one good thing about summer, I'm rarely hungry when I'm hot and it has definitely been a scorcher.
Didnt eat the apple. Instead i ended up laying on a couch text haha no calories lost and non consumed

Dinner: Yogurt with Banana slices

Headed out to a party in shorts that are wayyy to short for these jiggly  thighs
I hate laundry day.

Regression

I started to go back into a slump after the fourth. That stops now.
I already mentioned my horrible eating on the fourth, well yesterday ended just as badly.

Piece of Pecan Pie

Steak
Potatoes
Carrots
Fruit
Chocolate Chips

If I would have stopped here i would have been fine because I ate very small portions of each. But no.
I spent the day with the guy after we both got off work. We went to the park followed by the pool. Due to a storm we had to leave the pool early and therefore were at my house for dinner. My parents got to meet the guy so you would think that maybe they'd be at least a little okay with him, plus we left and went to hang with my best friend and her boyfriend since those are our mutual friends. Around three my sister texted my friend saying my mom was going to kill me.I called my mom and she was flipping out that my phone had died and asked if I was even at my friends of if I had gone off with this 'random guy'. It was so embarrassing hanging with a 23 year old and having my mom call like that.
So of course I was super mad when i got home and told myself it doesn't even matter if i'm skinny because my parents will just ruin all my chances anyway. That's when I started stuffing my face.

1/2 a doughnut
Piece of Pecan pie
2 ego waffles
Nutrigrain bar

I tried to stop myself when I was no longer hungry so I'll congratulate myself being able to stop before it got worse. But I know it was already terrible and the calories only set me back. Especially because we didn't end up going running.

I'm determined to do better the rest of the day.
It's hard not being at work and being around food all day.
But I can do this.

Fourth of July

The race was really rough. It the first time lately that I've ran during the day, I'd forgotten how much it sucks running in the heat under a  blazing sun. After the race I had 
-Water
-A bite of an apple
-A small cup of some strawberry smoothie they were handing out.
Went to the parade then came home, where my friends returned with me. She showered then slept on my bed the whole afternoon. I weighed myself after my shower and was at 101.2lbs
-Yogurt with a sliced banana
I got ready and eventually people were over. We hung out and I did amazing with not touching any food until dinner and then I started slippping.
-Burger, with lettuce green peppers on a bun
-Strawberries and blue berries
-Watermelon
-Green Tea
Eventually all my friends showed up and it was total choas! Finally we made it to the fireworks and I hung out the the new guy we walked by ourselves to snag the group a spot and they we played euchre together as well.
The fire works started and he was sitting shoulder to shoulder with me. Moved for the finale to the other side  fo him so I could lay out  because I love trying to feel the fireworks pounding in my heart. He laid doown beside me and when the finale started he took my hand in his interlacing out fingers (because its really the only ways I hold hands. After the fireworks I had to let go of his hand to clap but later as we headed back to his car I was talking to my friend about hand holding and to prove that a girl with smaller hands could interlace with a guy with bigger hands (personally it's more comfortable) so I held his hand up to mine to show her the size difference and then interlaced mine with his and we held hands back the car.
Back at my house he and I just hung out nothing too fancy, and his distraction helped keep me away from food but finally the three had to leave and I had the awkward time where I just wanted everyone else to leave so i could go to bed, but it was too early for them to leave so I got bored and started eating.
-Chips and Salsa
-Crackers that tasted like Pancakes!! (not kidding, so good)
Finally everyone left. Event the awkward couple on my back swing that my brother had to make leave because i could not get them to take the social cues that no one else was here but them and we had cleaned up the whole house.

All in all I enjoyed my fourth even tho I slacked towards the end. I probably weight at least 102 now.So  hopefully I can bring it back down by the end of the week and work on getting that last pound off for Hilton head!

Pre 4th of July

9.10am Mini Wheats and Coffee

10.00am Nannying....I hate that these kids wont listen to me!!! They are just another thing I cant seem to control!

11.00am The guy messaged me again. He said he wanted to come running with me sometime. This makes me so nervous! I'm going to be too slow for him!!

1.50pm Ate two poptarts =(
4.00pm Swam my 60 laps
6.00pm Ate three strawberries
7.00pm Was home for dinner with the family which means not eating was not an option. If theirs one thing I've learnt its that as long as I eat a decent dinner in their sight I'm safe from their questions. Tonight I ate 3 pieces of of turkey on wheat bread and an apple with a glass of green tea.

I've been texting the guy all day...I'll be seeing him tomorrow for the first time since we've been chatting I pray it won't be awkward. Knowing me it totally will be.

I have my 4th of July 5k race tomorrow. I'm not too nervous because I'm going to treat it just like an every day run with the friends since I talked them all in to do it with me. Also it's shorter than I've been running so I know I can do it. I'm just happy this will make me work out on the holiday.

I'm really hope for a cute moment with the guy under the fire works. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

"you're cute but you could atleast try"

6.30am Frosted Mini Wheats with Skim milk for breakfast

7.00am Then I went to nanny

7.16am Fell asleep on the couch

10.30am Woke up and ate an icecream sandwich =( luckily it was 110c rather than a normal 300c

Last night I went swimming with the two guys and my friend. After we got out and were drying off the boys left to get changed. While they were away my friend started talking about how her boyfriend's friend had been really nervous when he found out I was coming. Apparently he took a shot because to calm his nerves. I thought it was really adorable since he's 5 years older than me. I had to leave early for babysitting and he left with me. While we were walking out he asked, "do you want to follow me out?" referring to the last time the four of us had hung out last month when I completely took a wrong turn and he saw me do it. I thought it was sweet he remembered my lack of directional skills. It was good too because my GPS didn't acquire satellites until I was back at my neighbor...good for nothing. When I got home I found him on facbook, because I jokingly told my friend I would and she thought it was a great idea so I could personally invite him to my 4th of July party even though he was already coming with them. I sent him a message thanking him for suggesting that I follow him since my GPS is reallllyyyy slow. We chatted a little but I go off to go to bed and he says:

"Bye
See you soon hopefully
Goodnight sleep well." 

This might not seem like a big deal, but earlier that day I had sent a picture to a guy I was texting because he was being annoying and for some reason he needed his own specially taken picture (just of me in general not sex wise), I sent him one before I left to meet with my friends, it was very raw with no make up or anything, but it was cute enough. At first he tells me I look gorgeous and beautiful and then starts telling me I should spice it up and when I said that would take prep time and make up he texts back 'you're cute but you should atleast try'. I was pretty mad. I always liked that I was the girl that guys asked 'Have I even seen you in make up?' and said I don't need it, rather than "Ew so thats what you really look like" when I take it off.  

12.30pm Drank Tea
3.00pm More Tea
3.30pm Got off work early, damn it
3.35pm 3 pieces of homemade honey wheat bread with strawberry jam
4.00pm 3 strawberries
4.10pm Cleaning room
5.00pm Made party playlist
6.40pm Saw Moonrise Kingdom with my siblings
9.25pm Another piece of bread
9.30pm The boy from last night messaged me on facebook =)
10.00pm 5 mile run with friends

and now I'm just getting ready for bed so I can wake up nice and early and start yet another day

Special K cereal
Chocolate, Peanut and Pretzel mix
Coffee
 >Tried to purge the mix, but I think mainly it was just coffee that I as able to get up, which sucks since in the long run i guess the coffee is really what i need for work haha

Did Pilates and Yoga

Dinner:
Lettuce
Strawberries
Blueberries
Apple
Green Tea

Later I'll probably have another green tea and then a cup of ice coffee to keep me hyper and happy. I don't know what I would do without Caffeine.

Going swimming tonight with my friend her boyfriend and his friend. Why do i agree to these things? I pray it rains so I don't have to wear a bathing suit.