Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Confused
I dont get how no matter what I do, I keep gaining weight. I hate this. It use to be Id starve a day and get myself back down to 100 easy but now I barely drop a pound in a day of fasting...=(
Saturday, December 10, 2011
A Fleeting Moment
Have you ever had the feeling that life is fleeting? That someone you have known all your life could instantly dissappear...
This is how I've been feeling since Midnight on my birthday.
DEC 8th:
My sister comes into my room while I'm unpacking and tells me she has to tell me something. We go to her room where she informs that she has been cutting, and a friend she told ended up telling our parents. I am forever grateful to this friend. I am extremely angry at my friend who is almost like a mom to my sister, she also knew and didn't tell my parents.
DEC 10th
I got off work today to find a text from my mom to call her, my sister saying she didnt think we could hang out tonight and our neighbor asking me what was wrong with my sister. I called my mom- no answer. I called the neighbor who informed me that my parents took my sister to the hospital she was going to be therapy at...but thats not for another month and they had to talk to a social worker. The neighbor told me that they'd been there since about a half hour since I'd left for work, and that it had something to do with my parents finding something my sister had written.
When I got home I sat in my car and called my ex (we are still super good friends and sort of getting back together) and avoided going inside. I didn't want to go in and by alone, because the house looked dark but even more than that I didn't want to go in and see my tired parents who now always look to be on the verge of a break down.
Finally I went in, and they werent there, but when they did get home I was informed that my sister had written about thinking about suicide, and that she had been taking pain killers we had left over from getting our wisdom teeth pulled back in march.
I am so terrified I'm going to get a call while I'm at work saying that shes gone forever.
This is how I've been feeling since Midnight on my birthday.
DEC 8th:
My sister comes into my room while I'm unpacking and tells me she has to tell me something. We go to her room where she informs that she has been cutting, and a friend she told ended up telling our parents. I am forever grateful to this friend. I am extremely angry at my friend who is almost like a mom to my sister, she also knew and didn't tell my parents.
DEC 10th
I got off work today to find a text from my mom to call her, my sister saying she didnt think we could hang out tonight and our neighbor asking me what was wrong with my sister. I called my mom- no answer. I called the neighbor who informed me that my parents took my sister to the hospital she was going to be therapy at...but thats not for another month and they had to talk to a social worker. The neighbor told me that they'd been there since about a half hour since I'd left for work, and that it had something to do with my parents finding something my sister had written.
When I got home I sat in my car and called my ex (we are still super good friends and sort of getting back together) and avoided going inside. I didn't want to go in and by alone, because the house looked dark but even more than that I didn't want to go in and see my tired parents who now always look to be on the verge of a break down.
Finally I went in, and they werent there, but when they did get home I was informed that my sister had written about thinking about suicide, and that she had been taking pain killers we had left over from getting our wisdom teeth pulled back in march.
I am so terrified I'm going to get a call while I'm at work saying that shes gone forever.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
today and yesterday
Yesterday: Liquid Fast, consumed a total of 70 calories (s. cappicino)
Today is my birthday so we shall see how my eatting goes. Since I'm still at school for most of the day it shouldnt be too horrible. I want to try to not eat past eight tonight but I'm worried my family will want to do something after they pick me up.... but i'm happy with how yesterday went so I'm willing to let myself cheat a little today.
Today is my birthday so we shall see how my eatting goes. Since I'm still at school for most of the day it shouldnt be too horrible. I want to try to not eat past eight tonight but I'm worried my family will want to do something after they pick me up.... but i'm happy with how yesterday went so I'm willing to let myself cheat a little today.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Slow and Steady
Slow and stead wins the rest. This is what I keep telling myself. If you take this eating thing just a week at a time, you can create habits rather than this constant roller coaster of starving and bingeing, eating healthy and eating crap.
Last weeks new habit was not eating past eight. This is an important one because I do most of my high calorie and fat bingeing late at night when I don't feel like going to bed.
This weeks is a liquid fast once a week. Hopefully I'll be able to make this just a waterfast in order to sort of detox once a week.
The thing with this is I keep having this urge to just not eat to lose weight fast and start seeing results, but I want to do something that will last, so I'm not letting myself restrict. Its weird how easy it seems to restrict when I'm trying to makeself eat.
***
Last night my sister told me about her friend who's ED is getting worse. It's hard because I understand both sides of them. My sister wants the girl to tell her friends at college so that they can keep an eye on her, but obviously the girl doesnt want to tell them for just that reason. I tried to explain to my sister that sometimes people knowing can make it even worse.
I have found that at school I eat better because people don't know about how I was in highschool with eating, so they never make comments about what I eat and therefore I can eat what I want and however I want. But when I"m with my highschool friends I feel like I have something to prove, and that I have to keep up with the image they have of me in their head. They see me as the girl who never eats so i have to keep up with that. Like once someone offered me food and my highschool bff spoke for me saying "don't even bother she wont eat it." Even though I orginally intended of eating it. However, after she said that I couldn't bring myself to eat.
It's almost worse when people know becaues if they know you are trying to restrict or lose weight then I feel like I"m failing them if I"m not constantly losing or if I eat something i feel like they judging me and realize that I am failing at restricting that day.
I told my sister that in the end it has to be something she wants to change so it's up to her and theres nothing she can do about it.
Last weeks new habit was not eating past eight. This is an important one because I do most of my high calorie and fat bingeing late at night when I don't feel like going to bed.
This weeks is a liquid fast once a week. Hopefully I'll be able to make this just a waterfast in order to sort of detox once a week.
The thing with this is I keep having this urge to just not eat to lose weight fast and start seeing results, but I want to do something that will last, so I'm not letting myself restrict. Its weird how easy it seems to restrict when I'm trying to makeself eat.
***
Last night my sister told me about her friend who's ED is getting worse. It's hard because I understand both sides of them. My sister wants the girl to tell her friends at college so that they can keep an eye on her, but obviously the girl doesnt want to tell them for just that reason. I tried to explain to my sister that sometimes people knowing can make it even worse.
I have found that at school I eat better because people don't know about how I was in highschool with eating, so they never make comments about what I eat and therefore I can eat what I want and however I want. But when I"m with my highschool friends I feel like I have something to prove, and that I have to keep up with the image they have of me in their head. They see me as the girl who never eats so i have to keep up with that. Like once someone offered me food and my highschool bff spoke for me saying "don't even bother she wont eat it." Even though I orginally intended of eating it. However, after she said that I couldn't bring myself to eat.
It's almost worse when people know becaues if they know you are trying to restrict or lose weight then I feel like I"m failing them if I"m not constantly losing or if I eat something i feel like they judging me and realize that I am failing at restricting that day.
I told my sister that in the end it has to be something she wants to change so it's up to her and theres nothing she can do about it.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Just Some Prose
i feel cold
from the inside out
yet i know i am not empty.
i dream of the day
when being cold means
being okay
when being cold means
looking hot
long days at beaches
in skimpy bikinis
eyes. on. me.
i feel cold
theres no hope for warmth
but thats not true
not yet. but-
i will get there
he will wrap his arms
around me
trying to warm me
but nothing will warm me
but thin.
Catty Girls...What Am I Getting Myself Into
My friends and i have a fb thread we all keep in touch with while we are away at college. A friend of mine who is at the college i'm transferring to next semester put something about not being able to wait to come home to hang out with some REAL friends. I know she's had some probs with her roommate who is a girl not in my friend group but in her other group. So i messaged her on fb just to see what was going on because her message gave off a "the world is full of backstabbers" vibe. Maybe I'm just watching to much of The Hills. Anyways she told me she woke up this morning to her roommate and another on of her friends, who I'm best friends with when we drink haha we have alot of common friends but dont get along great sober (when drunk she tells me the reason she hates me because shes always jealous of me, which is funny cause im wayy jealous of her.) Anyways my friend woke up to these two girls bashing her for an hour! These are the girls she spends all her time with at school. I feel so bad for her. I wish I was there now to help her get thru this. I hate catty girls! My college now is very undramatic just because i don't know enough people to have drama with. But next semester is going to be different. Hopefully I'm ready to deal with the Catty world again =/
In other news I dreamt about my desire to be thin. I rarely actually have dreams where i acknowledge my fattness and desire to lose wheight. I only have dreams when im fasting or restricting about eating a ton of food I shouldn't and waking up so realived with i realize it didn't actually happen. In my dream last night i stood infront of a mirror pulling at every piece of flab on my body and realizing that no matter how much i lose i will never like the way i look, or look like the girls in the magazines or on the hills because I'm too short to look anything but a fucking twelve year old.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)