another depressing post

today started out on a positive note, i woke up and had some coffee with my mom. had a nice chat
>wasn't too worried about the calories cause i knew i would need the caffeine to get thru the day

then i met a friend for breakfast, i had a multigrain pancake and egg whites
>still not too worried about the calories because that was where i thought my food intake was going to end for the day
>WRONG
we went shopping after which was good because we walked around for awhile

from the mall i went home to touch myself up before heading to the lovely hurt's house to finally make good on my promise to watch inception with him. the movie was okay but the entire time i just wanted him to hold my hand, move closer, pull me on to his lap and of course kiss me.
he did none of the above.
after the movie we talked and my desire for affection grew, no matter how much i knew i would regret it later, how much more it would destroy me. he told me all about college and about all the new people he was meeting...i really want to be happy for him, and i am...but still it sucks so bad knowing that he's got a whole new life that doesn't have time for me anymore.
eventually i told him i had to leave soon and i started to count out the seconds jokingly, he put his arm around me and pulled me close. i hugged him goodbye, he held me tight and flipped me so the i was wrapped up in his arms underneath him. he kissed me and we started kissing just like old times. the entire time we kissed i kept trying to remind myself that this...that he... isn't mine anymore. "this soft hair that i run my fingers through isn't mine, these gorgeous eyes staring deeply at me aren't mine, those strong hand stroking my face aren't mine" eventually i told him i had to go even though my lips begged me not to. i had to end it i couldn't take this anymore. i want him so bad. i want things to go back to how they were so bad. i want to go back to summer we first met.
we hugged again and i buried my head into the curve of his neck where it fits perfectly. Apologizing he held me tightly, "this is why i was scared to hang out with you, i never want this to end", i replied with silence outwardly but inwardly "then why are you making it end?" finally i removed myself from where i fit so effortlessly. when he tried to kiss me again i pulled back and told him i couldn't. if we ended with a kiss i would still have that small hope that things could go back to normal. but i know things will never be the same. i screwed up way too much. i ruined us.
i kissed him on the cheek. he hugged me and i drove home.
>i got home and ate raisins, noodles, a granola bar and cereal!! EMOTIONAL EATING I am very angry about these calories

after my binge i babysat for a family with five kids, sadly we didn't run around as much as i had hoped but i did do some abs after they went to sleep
>burned maybe 5 calories ha
>when i got home i binged like no other, chili noodles and cheese, raisins, apple w/ peanut butter, granola bar AND Coke UGH!!!

pretty much when it comes to my goal i failed today, i didn't get to work out because i was on the go alot, and i ate alot of carbs so today is a
FAIL