Never thought this would happen...

I might actually have to force myself to eat.
Right now I really want to puke upon some realizations and a whirling mind

• every guy i've gone out with looks so young compared to the lovely hurt
• it makes me feel like i can't do better than him
• i was doing so good at being done with him
  
• even worse maybe he wasn't as great as i thought
• losing this view of someone hurts like hell
• maybe i can't actually get guys like i thought i could
• maybe i can only get losers
• i need to lose my fat NOW so i can feel good about myself
• if i eat anything im inhibiting myself from being thin
• if i don't eat anything my metabolism wont get that boost which also inhibits me being thin
• guys might actually like curvy girls
• but i wont be happy if im not thin
• but if im too thin i might not get guys anymore
• what if im too thin and people catch on
• and my parent dont let me go away to college
• and im stuck here forever
• falling for the lovely hurt
• as he finds prettier girls
• etc....
  

I haven't eaten since seven this morning, which was hot chocolate and two pieces of multigrain toast. I told myself I would eat something small at about 7 this evening, creating a 12 hour fast. And then not eating again until breakfast around 6:30 2m morning. But now i just really don't feel like eating at all. I have four minuets until 7. I'm scared if i eat one thing I'll start eating a ton. My calorie goal each day is around 400ish. 2m is my binge day because i'm going to my bff house and we are making food. She knows about me and my messed up eating habits and if i don't eat she bugs me about it so it's just easier to eat when she's around. I know we are going to have a heap of junk and i wont purge it.

In other news today my workout was two hours of walking on the treadmill doing the hill workout. I was also going to do the stairs too but this other lady was on it. She was so thin like thinspiration thin, which made me even more jealous she was on the steps because maybe that is what helped her be so thin...