Control

Eat=Fat=Pig=Lazy=Failiure

I wrote this over and over in my Lab notebook today. I suck at anatomy and physiology  both lab and lecture. Last year I was good at school. I was good at trying to get thin. College is different. I'm away from home, from the constant nag of food, so it should be easier to avoid, right? WRONG. Now because I am around people all the time, people who want to get meals all the time, I have to eat or people notice. Sure I could lie and tell them I already ate and such, but I feel bad wasting my meal plans. I feel like I have to go to the dining hall and use my meal plan or I'm wasting my and my parents money, which makes me feel about as bad as being a fat disgusting pig. I can't wait till I go home during winter break and hopefully work all the time and don't have to eat because I won't have meal plans to deal with. Even more than that I'm excited because the school I'm going to next semester does their meal plans differently, so I can fast more easily without wasting meal plans in the long run.

I want to get skinny. Why do other people get to be beautiful and not me?
I want to feel happy and content.
I want my steady boyfriend that I'm obsessed with back instead of all this random boy confusion.
I want to be good at school again.
I want to know where I"m going and how to get there.
I want to be in fucking control again.
Is that so much to ask?