Paranoid,Weigh In and Jean Thinspo

Today I read an article about how companies look at your online networking sites (facebook, twitter etc) and will often base whether they give you a job or not. I began to get fearful. Can they find my blogs and link me to them? Will I lose job opportunities when they see how mental I can be at times? Part of me is tempted to delete my blog just to be on the safe side,  but honestly I really don't want to. Even if no reads what I write I enjoy knowing I have this place to get these th.8oughts about myself and my body out of my head and into a place where I think people can see them. I enjoy having this place that seem secret to me, but perhaps it's not as secret as I'd like to believe.

In good news  I weighed myself today. After a couple rough eating days and my lack of exercise I was very pleasantly surprised when I weighed myself and discovered I weighted 97.8lbs. This definitely brightened my day. Just three more pounds and I'll be at my goal weight for the school year and I can start working towards my ultimate goal weight of 89lb.

I am getting nervous however because my mom is starting to make comments about my weight. She discovered that I'd been purging this summer. I know if I start getting down to 89 she'll flip out. She keeps saying I look thinner but honestly I think I look larger than I did while I was on vacation with my friends this summer and when I left for school and she didn't say anything about it then, so I don't know what her deal is. Honestly I think the issue is that she's been looking at my sister who is the same height as I am, but we have a different build. She's beautiful and a curvier build than I am. It's not even a diet thing, it's just how she's built, she's always had bigger boobs and a rounder face than me. She's built more like my mom and I'm built more like my dad. I just think she's use to seeing my sister (since she still lives at home) and just thinks I look thinner since I am thinner than her.

Either way I am going to keep going until I feel like I can look good in my jeans for the fall.
 

One Good Thing

I will say, one good thing about school and not having someone constantly asking me to go eat with them is that I can easily just not eat. So far today I've had a coffee with skim milk half a packet of splenda along with a honey whole wheat bagel. It's 6.30 and although some girls have mentioned wanting to meet up to eat none of them have texted me with an exact time or anything like that sooo I'm thinking I might just be done for the day. Plus I'm working out with a friend tonight so that'll be good too =) although i was looking at my legs today and they look too muscular, its not even sexy just gross. But then again what else is new? Gross is the norm.

Catching Up In A World I Don't Want to Be Caught In

Life is roughing me up.
Vacation with the friends was basically amazing. I spent six days with my boyfriend on the beach constantly being told how tiny I am. As always there were tumbles here and there, I lost my bathing suit top the first day because the waves were so rough they tore it off and my friend got a bit annoyed with my boyfriend but all in all it was amazing. I came back and I left to go to school for recruitment.
I moved all of my things into my dorm and then that night receive an email saying I had made it off a wait list and into a better dorm. While it was great to make it in to a better dorm moving was a pain. I was told I had to move it by midnight the next night. The problem was that I was going to be at rush all day and evening. Thank goodness the boyfriend is amazing and drove down to help me move everything and stay the night, so I wasn't alone in my room the first night.
Rush was fun enough however bid day came. I ended up receiving  bid from a house I had enjoyed but there is one problem with the house and this issue is the reason I have been hating life lately. The stereo type for this sorority is that it's the fat girls. I know I'm not 'fat' as in normal people fat. But with as high as my fear is that people will view me as fat this devastated me. People keep telling me that these girls are nice and cool and the stereotype is just people having fun with the names and doesn't actually have anything to do with the girls in it, but I really can't shake it. If I can't shake the stereotype and get close with the girls by initiation I'm going to drop it.
Why am I so judgmental?
I'm also very jealous because my friend made it into one of the 'pretty' sororities. Yeah their stereotype is that they are slutty and easy but still at least they are pretty.
I'm feeling very wounded right now, like I'm alone down here at school I just want the boyfriend to be here all the time and I wish I had a car here so I could drive back and meet him.
I miss my best friend, the boyfriend, the family, my job and my car.
I'm okay with being a loner, I'm a loner type in general, the issue is that down at school I can't be a true loner because I feel like people are watching and judging my loner-ness.
If I could be a loner in peace I would be happy. A room by myself I could just be a hermit and just see my boyfriend on the weekend and then be an awesome studious kid.
But this isnt an option. There's so much I wish I had right now that I don't and its really just fucking annoying.

Back At School

Im back at school doing sorority recruitment. I'll say more once this crazy shit is over and I have a moment to really stop and breath.

Do not like that i have food in my dorm.

Diet Tea

So I bought some dieters tea, and I really don't think its working. Most reviews say it works like a lax but so far nothing. Anyone have any weight loss teas that have worked well for them?

Less Than A Week

Oh shit in less than a week I will be on the beach in a bikini with the boyfriend. SCARY!!!
I weighed myself tonight at 99.6 which is not terrible for the shit I have been eating but I really want to be 95 though I will settle for 98 at least for this trip. I keep eating so so so so so so so bad! I'm trying to make up for it with exercise but it's hard with the boy wanting to hang out all the time and me wanting to hang out with him too. Luckily tonight he had to close so hanging out wasn't an option. So I swam 100 laps, jogged/walked 10 miles, 500 abs and 100 squats.
As much as I like working out it is no substitute for eating well. Exercise will make me strong and toned which is nice but what good is muscle if it is hiding under all my fat? All it does is make me look fatter!!
Oh shit...I have less than a week. shit shit shit

Back From Vaca and Terrified for Weigh In

Just returned from my family vacation. I actually didn't eat too badly except for breakfasts. My breakfasts were very high carbs but then we would literally walk from 11am until 530pm when we would come back to freshen up for the evening during which time I would snack on some grapes. Around 6 we would start walking around again and ate dinner about 8  (which I ate a salad most nights except for last night where i messed up and ate some of my sisters french fries) and then walked more until about 11 or 12 when we returned to the hotel to sleep. Friday I was lucky and was able to squeeze an hour and a half of work out time. I ran 30 min, did 500 abs, did the cycle for 30 min at a cool down pace and then stretched. It was glorious. Despite being relatively good I'm terrified to weigh myself. I have to weigh myself tomorrow morning so I know what I'm working with this week and how much I need to drop before Saturday which is when I leave for my beach vacation.
I have never been this terrified to weigh myself. I just want to live in the dark and not admit to myself what a fat lard i am.