Yesterday during school i decided this has to end. I can't live like this, starving myself one day and having a horrible binge the next. Food is always on my mind and I'm constantly filled with some sort of anxiety about my next meal or lack there of. I want to major in exercise science and help other people with their health, but how can i do that when i won't even take care of myself? So i'm starting over. No more of this starvation life style where i ways feel grumpy and exhausted. I'm going to start really taking control and finding some sort of balance in my life. I might not be able to control my friends, my family, my schooling or the boys in my life, but i can control what i do and how i treat myself and my body.
If i want other people to treat me with respect i have to start treating myself with respect.
So i did some research today about balanced meals and exercise, it's going to be hard because its more complicated than just not eating, i have to eat at certain times and make sure certain things are in each meal, but i am determined to make this work. i will take control. i will be healthy. and i will be happy.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
who are you?
ate too much at dinner tonight =( and im not going to purge it because i wanna stay away from that for my teeths sake if nothing else
i really want to keep eating, i have that binge feeling creeping up on me. luckily my mom is in the kitchen right now, its the only thing keeping me from going in there. i'm not even hungry because i ate so much just a little bit ago i just really wanna eat just to eat. its so pathetic. i'm pathetic. i hate this. i was getting so proud of myself today and it all just got shitted on.
so lh sent me a nice sweet message, i haven't talked to him in a couple of days and probably wont text him until sometime this weekend, i just havent been in the mood to let him act all sweet like there isn't a huge issue between us. i know he doesn't see me as some girl to walk all over but really thats what it is. i make out with him, im here when he wants me to be but he's not going to date me again. sometimes im totally okay with this because i've done worse to him and plus i like him so i love our hooking up as much as he does, but lately i'm just not in the mood to let him have his cake and eat it too. i want him to realize that i'm done being just some back up.
GOD I JUST WANNA BE THIN AND BEAUTIFUL SO HE'S LUCKY TO HAVE ME.
but anyways i didn't mean for this to be a rant....
where i was going with this was as follows
he started saying how he doesn't know who he really is. he knows who he is to other people but if he wasn't trying to be something for other people he wouldn't know who to be, how to act. he challenged me to ask the question to myself, who am i. not who i am to other people but in general who am i. he said he wished i would stop worrying about what other people think about me and how i look and what i eat and just be myself but i think he's wrong to say it like that, because that is who i am. i am a worrier that's just who i am, it's not something someone made me to be. i am a weird eater i'm not doing that for someone. my worrying, my body issues, my eating those all things that make me me. they aren't a reaction to the outside world they are a action from myself.
so now i challenge you to ask yourself the same question
who are you?
i really want to keep eating, i have that binge feeling creeping up on me. luckily my mom is in the kitchen right now, its the only thing keeping me from going in there. i'm not even hungry because i ate so much just a little bit ago i just really wanna eat just to eat. its so pathetic. i'm pathetic. i hate this. i was getting so proud of myself today and it all just got shitted on.
so lh sent me a nice sweet message, i haven't talked to him in a couple of days and probably wont text him until sometime this weekend, i just havent been in the mood to let him act all sweet like there isn't a huge issue between us. i know he doesn't see me as some girl to walk all over but really thats what it is. i make out with him, im here when he wants me to be but he's not going to date me again. sometimes im totally okay with this because i've done worse to him and plus i like him so i love our hooking up as much as he does, but lately i'm just not in the mood to let him have his cake and eat it too. i want him to realize that i'm done being just some back up.
GOD I JUST WANNA BE THIN AND BEAUTIFUL SO HE'S LUCKY TO HAVE ME.
but anyways i didn't mean for this to be a rant....
where i was going with this was as follows
he started saying how he doesn't know who he really is. he knows who he is to other people but if he wasn't trying to be something for other people he wouldn't know who to be, how to act. he challenged me to ask the question to myself, who am i. not who i am to other people but in general who am i. he said he wished i would stop worrying about what other people think about me and how i look and what i eat and just be myself but i think he's wrong to say it like that, because that is who i am. i am a worrier that's just who i am, it's not something someone made me to be. i am a weird eater i'm not doing that for someone. my worrying, my body issues, my eating those all things that make me me. they aren't a reaction to the outside world they are a action from myself.
so now i challenge you to ask yourself the same question
who are you?
distant
ive been feeling distant for the past couple of days
haven't felt like blogging much tho i've been reading others
haven't answered any of my texts or fb messages
i just don't feel like putting in the effort to be social
i feel sunken and drained
haven't felt like blogging much tho i've been reading others
haven't answered any of my texts or fb messages
i just don't feel like putting in the effort to be social
i feel sunken and drained
Monday, January 24, 2011
to lose or not to lose?
i'm having some major mixed feelings about dropping weight.
obviously i want to get thin, i want to do these two weeks to see how low i can get in that amount of time. but i'm also nervous about losing because the dress im getting is a strapless i'm already pretty flat chested and i'm scared i'll lose my boobs more than anything else in these two weeks resulting in the dress no longer fitting. my mom got me the dress tonight and its cost more than what she'd usually spend so it has to look amazing. if it doesn't fit right when the dance roles around i'll feel terrible but wanna be thin!
since im still eating i probably wont lose that much....is what i'm telling myself and hopefully its true.
obviously i want to get thin, i want to do these two weeks to see how low i can get in that amount of time. but i'm also nervous about losing because the dress im getting is a strapless i'm already pretty flat chested and i'm scared i'll lose my boobs more than anything else in these two weeks resulting in the dress no longer fitting. my mom got me the dress tonight and its cost more than what she'd usually spend so it has to look amazing. if it doesn't fit right when the dance roles around i'll feel terrible but wanna be thin!
since im still eating i probably wont lose that much....is what i'm telling myself and hopefully its true.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
14 days of intensity
okay 14 days of intensity. i have no other options.
a little bit of breakfast and nothing else until dinner except water or coffee NO BINGES i'll restart the allowance of one binge a week after the dance. i will not weigh myself until next Sunday because i don't want to feel proud and reward myself with food
start weight: 104lbs
day one:
day four
a little bit of breakfast and nothing else until dinner except water or coffee NO BINGES i'll restart the allowance of one binge a week after the dance. i will not weigh myself until next Sunday because i don't want to feel proud and reward myself with food
start weight: 104lbs
day one:
- coffee
- little helping of baked oatmeal made with half the sugar, apple sauce and no oil
- yogurt
- lettuce
- piece of chicken
- apple w/ peanut butter
- hot choc
- baked oatmeal
- more baked oatmeal
- beans and rice
- slice of pizza
- apple w/ peanutbutter
- gum
- popcorn
- wheat bagel w/ jam
- hot choc
- muesli
- gum
- egg whites
- apple w/ peanutbutter
- toast with jam
- raisins
- hot choc
day four
- hot choc
- egg whites
- gum
- spg w/ meatballs
- salad
- choc milk
- apple w/ peanut butter
- banana nut muffin
- hot choc
- hamburger helper chili macaroni (3 helpings)
- apple with peanut butter
- cereal (two bowls)
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Sickk
Got a terrible cough today which has me feeling exhausted and out of it...thats sorta good tho cause its keeping me from eating...but its also keeping me from the gym which is a total downer.
i decided to change my blog stuff around. the whole 2011 goal thing doesn't really apply anymore, really all i want is to feel pure. i want to feel the weight off my body, and i wanna be so light i feel like i can float. *sigh* such dreams
i decided to change my blog stuff around. the whole 2011 goal thing doesn't really apply anymore, really all i want is to feel pure. i want to feel the weight off my body, and i wanna be so light i feel like i can float. *sigh* such dreams
Friday, January 21, 2011
Doing better
Okay i think i'm back on track =) yesterday was horrible but today was a ton better
I skipped breakfast because i didn't feel well and i never eat lunch at school
after school i went to the gym
hillwalk for 70min=355cal
abs=idk
stairmaster=144
rowing=130
5 min sprint=50cal
total=679cals
then i ate a yogurt for dinner=100 cal
and drank coffee with some hot choc=65 cal
total 165
todays total= -514 cals yay =)
i'm heading off to party soon so it will be easier to keep away from food. i'm praying i don't binge tonight when i get home.
I skipped breakfast because i didn't feel well and i never eat lunch at school
after school i went to the gym
hillwalk for 70min=355cal
abs=idk
stairmaster=144
rowing=130
5 min sprint=50cal
total=679cals
then i ate a yogurt for dinner=100 cal
and drank coffee with some hot choc=65 cal
total 165
todays total= -514 cals yay =)
i'm heading off to party soon so it will be easier to keep away from food. i'm praying i don't binge tonight when i get home.
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