Yesterday's Mess

Yesterday I discovered that my ex and friend hung out. I was extremely jealous because he had called her up to hang out, since I had told him she needed more people here at home to hang out with. I do want her to be able to hang out with him, but at the same time I was hoping I would be the common piece between them so it would give me a chance to see my ex in a friendly way without all the temptations. It's so frustrating because like most things I brought this upon myself by telling him that he was one of the few people he liked to hang out with at home, and that I really thought she needed more people in her life so the two of them should hang out. In most cases non of my friends would ever dream of hanging with him without me, he lives about 30  min away and our lives and friend groups don't cross (one of the reasons it ended after 4 years) but this friend however is more out going and not as...loyal...to particular people. Just the thought that after 4 years she gets to remain friends with him really hurts.

A Nice Feeling

I think this is the first time I've tried to purge without a binge. It's sorta a nice feeling, I'm not all stressed about getting everything out so I can totally focus on the high.

Today

Green Tea with Lemon
Coffee
Coffee
Smoothie: Carbmaster yogurt, Blueberries, Strawberries
Green Tea with Lemon
Apple
Attempted eating a Brot but kept feeling as though I was eating a dick
Baked Beans
Salad: Lettuce, Spinach, Chicken and Cheese
Blueberry Ego Waffles
and I'll probably have another Green Tea with Lemon before the day is over.

Tonight I am meeting with friends for a midnight run so hopefully that will make me feel better about the ego waffles....
I don't feel today was terrible as it was my first day restarting but I have much improvement awaiting.

Well I Tried

I tried to be normal with food. I tried to plan a way to lose weight in a 'healthy' fashion but I failed at that too. I want to see the numbers drop again. I want to be the skinny girl. I don't care if people give me a hard time for not eating around them. I'm done. I can't keep acting normal and being miserable. I want to feel light again. I felt so amazing at school when there was no food in my dorm to tempt me. I looked so good then, but since being home this summer I've only been a cow. So I am done being gross. No more no more no more. 

How to Deal

I dunno how to deal anymore. I wonder if the way I think is normal... Am I screwed up, am I just a tennage girl (for this remaining year till the big 20...that number is scaring the shit out of me) or am I merely human? There are days and sometimes I can even get a full week or two of just pure bliss. I'm happy and don't even have the urge to purge (cliche I know...but it works so well...it rolls off the tongue so easy, sort of like the feeling I got when I purged last year...wow I just realized that was a year ago...it feels so recent) I truly believe that life is going to be okay, that I can get through and maybe even enjoy the remainder of it. Then suddenly it feels like everything is falling apart and even if its just one day out the week it is such an intense day, such an intense feeling that I wonder how I am suppose to go on for 50 plus years. I'm not suicidal don't get me wrong...I just...I don't understand how God or some higher power would make the human condition so bad, assuming all humans feel these emotions. Hope-Bewilderment-Hopelessness... they all sound pretty human to me.
How am I suppose to deal with an enternity of these off and on moods? How does the rest of the population handle this? Am I just a baby for complaining about these feelings of desolation and abandonment when I have friends, whether they be four doors down or three hours away. Everyone said college is awesome, better than highschool. Personally I liked highschool better. I don't know if I can handle the social life of college outside of the parties.
It's just like last semester, Im out going and hang out with people the first couple of weeks and then I somehow without even noticing slip back into my ways of just staying in my room unless I have true reason not to be. I feel like such a recluse and yet people see me as outgoing...as happy. Its crazy how much my head is spinning, sometimes I can't imagine how my friends don't see me sway under the dizzying thoughts, or slouching under the pressure. I wonder how can they not see the fear, the anger, the disappointment and hurt. I don't understand how they can't see it...and yet... I never saw my sisters... never knew what she was doing to herself. I say I would have made her get help...would have been there better...would have "fixed" her. Shame on me though...right? Here I am wishing I never had to see food again, planning out new ways to restrict to bring my weight down to a weight deemed "unhealthy" by those who think they know better. I asked my friends earlier this week, "who decided that there are certain ways to relieve pain that are healthy and ways that are not?" who got to decide that one persons way was "wrong"? Who am I to say that my sister did it incorrectly and needs to find a better way to express her self, when I did it through puking, and do it through restriction? This is suppose to open my eyes isnt it? To realize how much I love her and how much I want her to get better and believe people feel the same about me. But I can't. It doesnt click like that, instead I just want to be thinner to be more perfect than before, because now I can blame so many other things, its not for "attention" its because my family is messed up, its because I need to add some sort of perfection to it, its because I'm fat...who knows what the real reason is...control...denial...idk...
Anyways In case you can't tell...my mind is going crazy and I can't calm it down. I wanted to purge so bad that I needed to find something to do with my hands other then stick them down my throat so I figured I would just make a rambling post... so yeah a bit longer than usual...sorry
have a fabulous day (whoever took the time to read this haha...I guess its not too terrible long, but for my blog post I feel like its realllyyy long, even after writing all these school papers)
<3 peace

Impostor

It doesn't matter how much I lose I will always feel like an impostor in the thin world...

"My Problems Hide In Numbers That Leave When I Gag and Heave"-Pompeii

She ripped the shirt from her body and quickly yanked off her jeans, staring in the mirror trying to see passed the rolls of fat that smothered her, stealing and concealing her breath all at once. Pushing against her stomach she felt for the hardness that would prove she was more than just another lazy American, taking pride in riches and greedy behavior. Her stomach resisted the pressure filling her with a cramping pain that was sure to lead to purging. You deserve this she thought as she searched and searched but found no reassurance that she was any better, any different at all. At the sickening realization her hand found the rolls and began tugging wherever there was give.

Each roll had a name: love, friends, family, money, school, future, past and society. Each one was disgusting and imperfect reminding her of the one truth in her life: not good enough - not good enough - not fucking good enough - but all will be better when the roll is gone. When the roll is gone your sister won’t be angry and cut and your brother won't drink and wind up in the ER with no recollection of the night. When the roll is gone your parents won't wear the constant look of fear and bewilderment. When the roll is gone he will start calling again, taking interest and paying attention like he used to. Everyone will be happy when the roll is gone. She'd feel empty anyways so why not lose weight at the same time? At least hunger pains made sense, they were justified. Not that she was even hungry, with all the talk of school and her future that made her nervous. All the reminders of just how unstable her life truly was.

Her hand squeezed a little tighter and she knelt from the mirror to the bowl that would take away her problems, take away her anger, her sadness and her disappointment.  Today she was not good enough-but she purged for one day she would purge enough to find the happiness underneath.