Thinspo From the Hills

So I've basically been obessing over The Hills lately, it's terrible and yet I can't stop watching it.
The girls are so thin I can hardly stand it! Even LC started losing weight.

How to Keep Motivated For New Years

So my goal for new years is to weigh no more than 100lbs. It should be totally doable, however I keep having these fits of being motivated for a week and then unmotivated for a week. Luckily though I think I've found a way to keep me reminded that I need to get gorgeous for new years. At work this this weekend I was talking about how i wanted to do my nails for new years and a girl I work with did my thumb for me to show me what she thinks I should do. She first painted it pink and then while the polish was still wet dumped it in pink sparkles and put a top coat on to keep the sparkles from coming off. It looks amazing and very glam. It's my only nail done this this way (the others are a more sophisticated brownish color) having this one glamerous nail amongst the more dull ones reminds me that I want to be the one beautiful thing that stands out this new years.

In other news I have basically binged on water today...the one binge I'm okay with lol

Hope everyone is getting glam for New Years
<3

Wish I could just remove the temptation

this week has been terrible for me food wise.i had planned on eating as little as possible but have eaten so much. whenever i go home, i'm so overwhelmed by the constant option of food (i never keep food in my dorm) that i find myseld just eating all day long.

i almost don't want winter break to happen because that means i'll be pigging out for a month if i don't find some motivation soon. and worse that that i only have an eliptical machine at home instead of my school gym. i can't do long work outs on the eliptical because it destroys  my knees, which is odd since generally people say it is better for your knees. leave it to me to be different.

i really need to start finding my motivation. i want to get organized and happy.
i want to
be done with my finals
be done with my current college
be moved in and finalized in my new college
organize my bed room at home
cut out unnessacary people from my life (i have alot of lose end people in my life these days)
delete unused numbers in my phone
get down to 100 (for now)


i just want to get rid of all this clutter!!

new years and feeling sick =/

I want to look amazing for new years so I need to start some sort of calorie reduction. I was doing 1500 calories a day, but I think I need to start doing some days less. I wont do full fasts because I don't want my metabolism to slow down =/

So today I've had

7.45am
Skinny Cap: 70 cal
Bagel: 270 cal

12.00pm
Salad: 250 cal (very rough estimate)

2.30pm
Hazelnut Vanilla Latte: Two many to even want to think about
bagle:260 cal

7.00pm
Green Giant Boost Smoothie:280cal

11.30pm
Skyline:no idea but probably alot

12.45am
Cereal:300

1.20am
Cookie pieces: idk




Basically i started out pretty well and with good intentions for the day (dont we all haha)
then i got an email from my boss basically telling me i was doing a terrible job (but in a really nice way which almost made me feel sicker) which made me just want to eat eat and eat and eat and honestly i probably would have gone on a huge binge fest tonight but then i ended up getting my period finally. its super late and coming full force the worst i've ever had. I feel really sick and about to puke which would be nice i guess haha.

Its back

Mias back

Home for the weekend!

I"m goiing home this weekend which means better eating because I dont have to be so worried about not wasting meal plans! This makes me happppyyy =) lol

Hope everyone is dong well!
Get stoked for the weekend!!

I'll try to weigh in this sunday =/ really nervous esp with my missed period and all the recent stress.

I wish I had a digital scale at school...oh and some "graceful" thinspo

Love that will keep me fat

Campus is rainy and gross today, but i received a little bit of brightening love. My younger cousin sent me a huge box of candy today. Obviously this was a really sweet gesture on his part, but part of me resents it. I have completely binged on candy today. There is a reason i keep very little food in my dorm (I think currently i have water, three orange cups, two naked juice fruit and veggie drinks and coffee mix). Luckily my super naturally skinny friend (you know the type, the girls who are trying to gain weight rather than lose it) agreed to take it off my hands at dinner tonight but until then i have no self-control. I'm a fat disgusting pig with no self-control! Binge Binge Binge... but i will not purge. I won't. I can't. No.

It was super sweet for my cousin to show me some love. But love like this will only keep me fat. =(

So for the next three days to make up for this binge here it what I am going to do...

Wednesday and Thursday:

• Breakfast: Skinny Cappuccino (70 cal)
• Lunch: Salad
• Dinner: Salad

Friday:

• Breakfast: Skinny Cappuccino
• Lunch: Skinny Cappuccino
• Dinner:None

Hopefully since I'm headed home this weekend I wont have to eat much if anything saturday and sunday.

Songs that Make Me Want to Start Again

There are songs that I that I absoultely love. The problem is that when I listen to them they make me feel deep emotion, this yearning or longing that cause me to want to start crying and purging again. I don't think I'd ever go back to that even though that it seems so desirable sometimes.
Anyways do you have any songs like that? Songs that may be it's bad for you to listen to but you can't stop.
Or maybe songs that just really make you feel some sort of deep emotion...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va9uOHGZskg

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5u-65UTpvw

are two of mine, there are more but those are the two that just came on that made me think of posting this...

Strength, Fragile and Purity

Stats so far today...

Strength: 4.8 mile run, push ups, dips and xc abs =)

Fragile: Eggs, pancakes w/ apples, cherry yogurt, biscuit =(

Purity: > 67 oz of water

 one of these days...

Control

Eat=Fat=Pig=Lazy=Failiure

I wrote this over and over in my Lab notebook today. I suck at anatomy and physiology  both lab and lecture. Last year I was good at school. I was good at trying to get thin. College is different. I'm away from home, from the constant nag of food, so it should be easier to avoid, right? WRONG. Now because I am around people all the time, people who want to get meals all the time, I have to eat or people notice. Sure I could lie and tell them I already ate and such, but I feel bad wasting my meal plans. I feel like I have to go to the dining hall and use my meal plan or I'm wasting my and my parents money, which makes me feel about as bad as being a fat disgusting pig. I can't wait till I go home during winter break and hopefully work all the time and don't have to eat because I won't have meal plans to deal with. Even more than that I'm excited because the school I'm going to next semester does their meal plans differently, so I can fast more easily without wasting meal plans in the long run.

I want to get skinny. Why do other people get to be beautiful and not me?
I want to feel happy and content.
I want my steady boyfriend that I'm obsessed with back instead of all this random boy confusion.
I want to be good at school again.
I want to know where I"m going and how to get there.
I want to be in fucking control again.
Is that so much to ask?

Went Over =(

I definitly went over my calorie intake today!! I did fine until dinner where they were serving scrambled eggs which I am such a sucker for =( grrr

Indecision

Don't you hate how one minute you can love youself and the way you look and the next you can't even think about leaving the house looking so disgusting? My entire day has been a fit of, I look okay-I look hideous and I will eat healthy-I've been good I can eat this junk and remain within my calories-I'm never eating again!

We have to write a persuasive speech and my teacher kept saying to do it on something we are passionate about, some belief that we just really stand our ground in. The problem is I'm always changing my mind! I change my mind constantly about my body, my religion, morals, boys I like, my major. Or if I'm not flip flopping then I'm completely in the the middle and see both sides of the issue and have no real stand either way.

I want to be passionate about something. Grant it I'm passinate about being thin and looking fragile while in reality I'm strong. But how could I possibly do a speech about why someone should want that?
I thought about doing it on how people shouldn't try to force people to believe a certain way, but I'm not sure how to go about that... any ideas?

New Goal

I have a new weightloss goal and plan. Its so unextreme that I feel like I have to be able to achieve it.
By using losertown I discovered that I can be 100 pounds by the time I start my next semester if i eat no more than 1500 cals a day and work out 3-5 times a week (this is def maintainable). I would love to start a new school at a hundred, because then people wouldnt look at me weird as a slowly started working my way to 88. 88 is my ulimate goal weight. At only 4 feet 10 inches this is barely even under weight so it's all good =)

So new stats
Height: 4' 10
CW: 105
GW:100
2GW:95
UGW:88

Hands On Hips

This is how i want to look when i stand with my hands on my hips

Friday.....

So it's friday which means three things 1.skimpy dresses 2.drinking 3.boys touching my body
This drives my head freaking insane!!!

Skimpy dresses just remind me how much i need to lose (maybe its good motivation?)
Drinking helps me forget about not liking my body BUT theres a ton of empty calories in alcohol
And while its nice having guys tell me how amazing they believe i look (beer goggles much?) having their hands going across my flabby stomach sends me into a world of want to make myself start purging again
(haven't purged for almost a year and don't intend to start again...i like my teeth too much haha)

But atleast this means its the weekend!! Got a job interview tommorrow freaking out! I really need this job, not only because of the money but because I dont want to sit at my house all winter break. If I'm home all day I will binge for sure. Working will keep me busy and from eating. I need this freaking job!!!


Food so far today:
Coffee
Muffin with Egg on it (scraped off the gross cheese...why is the world do obsessed with doing everything in its power to make people fat and gross???)
Fruit

Food for the rest of the day (I hope):
Salad
Cheerios

Salad

Vodka (no chasers)

and then I want to try to get in a half hour run, abs, dips and squats.


Wish me luck =)


<3

Adios Exercise Science

So I've decided to switch my major... ready for the reason?
My major hurt my head too much.

I was an exercise science major which means taking a whole bunch of wellness classes. How was I supppose to not eat when every day I entered a class where they were telling me how unhealthy it was not to eat or too eat so little. In highschool it was easy to lie to myself that eating lettuce for every meal would be healthy, but here not so much.

When school first started I got down to 99lbs which was awesome, but once i got more comfortable around my surroundings and told myself I had to start eating 'healthy' and 'normal' i gained back up to 107lbs. I'm tired of it and I just want to feel thin again like my old high school self. I want to get to 95lb and maybe even 89 if I'm lucky. These are all still numbers in my healthy bmi range because I"m so short, they are just the lowest I can be without being underweight.

I'm quitting my major because I want to lie to myself again.
It was easier that way.

I think I just like starting over

New Blog

InevitableLove

Not about eating (...yet, but this stuff is such a part of me it will probably come up eventually)

It's mainly just going to be about college and such. But hey everyone loves readers right??

<3hope everyone is doing well